Author name: Lian Smit

“The act of taking the first step is what separates the winners from the losers.”                                 Unknown                                              The concept of communication almost always comes up when discussing marriage relationships. That’s because communication is one of the critical building blocks of a successful relationship. When a marriage is in trouble or has failed, whatever the direct cause might be – financial struggles, the loss of a child, infidelity – the root of the problem can often be traced back to ineffective communication between husband and wife. Poor communication opens the door for assumptions, misunderstandings, resentment – to name only a few – to sneak into your marriage, and all of these can slowly and silently damage your relationship.   So, if you want to improve your communication as a couple, you simply need to start talking to each other more, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The problem with this approach is that the focus is simply on talking, not communicating – and there’s a big difference.  This begs the question: how do you start effective communication? The first step is to take your spouse’s person, time, and space into consideration. In practice, this means having the decency to first ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation. Most married people assume that their partner is available 24\7. That’s not true. With our limited human capacities, we’re never available on that basis. God is the only One who is available to everyone all the time. When you want to connect with other people besides your spouse – whether it’s a friend or a business partner – you check each other’s diaries and arrange a day and time to meet.  We do this out of respect for the other person and because we want them to be present when we meet up. If we can do this for other people, who are not nearly as important as our significant other, why do we expect our spouses to be available for a conversation at the drop of a hat? Now, when you ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation, you have to be prepared that there’s a chance they will say no. Don’t take the negative response personally – your partner is simply not available and you need to respect that. Respond by asking, “Okay, so when will be a good time for you to have a conversation?”. Then agree time to talk. When you arrange beforehand when you’ll get together to talk, the timing and atmosphere will be much more conductive to a fruitful conversation, because you’ll both feel that your needs and personal situations have been considered and respected. This sets the stage for a conversation where you’ll earnestly listen to one another and have the willingness and courage to share your views and thoughts.   When the initial answer to a request for having a conversation is “no”- either from you or your spouse – it’s however very important that you arrange to talk as soon as possible. If the request is postponed indefinitely, the one who asked for a conversation can easily feel that their partner is not interested in and does not value what’s important to him or her. They can feel that their reality is dismissed. To avoid this, make sure you arrange to have the conversation within the next 24 hours. Don’t make the mistake of confusing talking to another with effective communication. Make time for honest, meaningful conversations where you’re both at ease and present. I guarantee that it will transform your relationship. Questions to think and talk about:

“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”                                                               Stephen Covey You’ve probably heard this quote from the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People before. But how often have you  actually ask yourself what ‘the main thing’ is? When it comes to marriage, it’s vitally important that you know the answer to this question. There isn’t only one answer, but rather three answers that are all interlinked.  The first main thing in a healthy marriage is that your relationship must be a safe space for both partners at all times. When both you and your spouse feel safe with one another and secure in your relationship, all walls come down and trust and transparency permeate every aspect of your relationship. As a result, you’ll be much more willing to, and comfortable with discussing difficult topics, without either of you feeling the fear of being blamed, shamed, criticised, or judged. You’ll have the confidence to completely be yourselves. In such a relationship, you truly hear and see one another and become more aware of one another’s deepest needs and expectations.  These needs and expectations bring us to the other two related aspects of the main thing in marriage: the core needs of a wife and a husband respectively.  The number one need or expectation of a wife is to feel chosen. She wants to experience this special status of being the chosen one every moment of every day, with all her senses. She does not want to compete with anything or anybody for her husband’s attention and affection or have any reason to doubt his love for her. His heart belongs exclusively to her and no one else. A husband must therefore do everything he can to make sure that his wife always feels that she is his number one priority and that she can be 100% confident of his love and devotion. In reality, most husbands don’t know what this means in practice.  So, they do whatever they think is the right thing to do. However, the outcome is usually miles from what they intended.  The best approach is to ask your wife what this means for her so that you know exactly what you’re aiming for and how you can address her needs and expectations.  When it comes to a husband’s number one expectation, it boils down to him feeling that he’s wanted and adding value to the relationship. When a wife acknowledges her need for, and dependence on her husband, he feels respected and that he’s succeeding in his role as the husband in that relationship.  In a man’s mind, respect must be earned; so, if he’s not adding value or doesn’t have a purpose in the relationship, then he cannot receive respect. To find out what it is that makes your husband feel that he’s adding value and meeting his duties as the husband, ask him – and then start doing it. When you and your spouse both meet one another’s most important needs, you’ll automatically create a safe space in your relationship, which takes us back to our first point. But to meet each other’s needs in a way that makes sense to you both, it’s vital that you communicate. There’s no reason to make your partner guess or figure out what you want. That’s not how a healthy, godly marriage operates, and you’ll likely set one another up for failure. Help each other to love one another in a way that makes sense to you by talking about it. This interplay between creating safety, feeling chosen, and feeling valued is ” the main thing” in marrriage. If you prioritise and keep working at it, with Christ as the foundation, your marriage will work. Questions to think and talk about:

“He who asks a question remains a fool for five minutes. He who does not ask remains a fool forever.”                                                     Chinese Proverb We all want our bond with our spouse to become stronger over time. However, we also know that this doesn’t happen by chance. To grow closer to one another and strengthen your relationship you must be intentional.  One of the ways to grow the level of intimacy and connection in your relationship is to ask one another insightful questions. Here are a few examples: 1. “What do you think the future holds for us?” Or “Where do you see us in 5 or 10 years from now?” These questions help you to focus on the future, instead of on the past, which you can’t change or influence in any case. It provides the opportunity to resurrect forgotten goals and dreams and to come up with new goals together. It can be very energising to be reminded that there is so much more to experience than the here and now. In addition to your future as a couple, you can also ask each other about your individual goals, for example, “What are the specific things that you would like to do or experience before you die?” Create a bucket list and talk about how you will achieve your goals and how you can support one another in reaching your individual goals. The graveyard is full of unrealised dreams and aspirations. Don’t allow your dreams to be buried with you one day. Live them now! 2. “What can I do to be a better support for you?” This question touches on your respective needs in the relationship. We often get so busy that we lose touch with what our partner’s specific needs are. If you know what your partner needs you can meet their needs in a way that makes them feel valued, cherished, and loved. When your spouse does the same for you, you will also feel valued. As opposed to future hopes and dreams, meeting one another’s needs will have an immediate, practical impact on your daily life. For example, if it’s important to your partner to have half an hour of quality time together in the evening to talk together about the day, you will adjust your routine as a couple accordingly. As a result, your connection with one another will strengthen in a very tangible and measurable way.  3. “What can we do to improve our communication?” At the heart of this question is the reminder and realisation that there are two different realities in a relationship, and that the only way to discover and unpack your partner’s reality is through effective, meaningful communication. If your communication is poor, chances are that both of you will feel unseen, unheard, unvalued, and misunderstood. By identifying any shortfalls in your communication and establishing certain techniques or habits that can help improve your communication, you’ll be more likely to deal effectively with any challenge that crosses your path, irrespective of your differences. 4. “How can we help each other become better versions of who we are?”  This is strongly linked to self-care – those things that you need personally in order to feel energised, inspired, rested, and at peace; ultimately, to be the person you were made to be. If you have a good understanding of what these things are for your partner – and they for you – you can create an environment that enables and encourages these things, allowing one another to flourish. The natural consequence of feeling good about oneself is that you are more likely and willing to serve others, including your spouse. This supportive, encouraging environment is exactly what couples in today’s high pressured world need.  5. “What obstacles do we experience in our relationship and how can we overcome these?” By being open and honest about the challenges in your relationship, you become more aware of, and more intentional in addressing issues. Facing your frustrations head-on means negative thoughts and experiences don’t have time to accumulate and escalate over time. An obstacle is a valuable opportunity to grow closer to one another – if you have courage to deal with it together. What at one point might have been unpleasant or even painful, can therefore actually increase the strength and happiness of your relationship. There are many more questions that you can discuss that will deepen the intimacy of your relationship.  But the questions above are a good start. If some of these questions are particularly relevant to you as a couple and your situation, set time aside to discuss them first. I promise that it won’t be long before you’ll experience a positive impact on your relationship. 

“People who have great relationships, are willing to put in the work, they are willing to put in the time and effort it takes to build and sustain a relationship, and they are willing to give up ‘I’ for ‘We’. “                                                      Dr. LaWanda N. Evans When you’re in a relationship that has lasted for years, it’s easy to take one another for granted. After all, you most likely know everything there is to know about one another. This can easily lead to a mediocre relationship where you simply co-exist, without truly being connected. So, what can you do to transform your relationship from merely existing to one that is meaningful, exciting, and passionate? How can you get your relationship back to a level where you naturally smile every time you think of each other? I want to point out seven things that I think are important for a relationship to fall into the “great” category. This is by no means an all-inclusive list – there are many more guidelines for building and maintaining a meaningful relationship. Nevertheless, for me, these seven principles are critical. Also, keep in mind that this list focuses on things you can do as a couple as you navigate everyday life – it does not intend to address the spiritual aspects of your relationship. However, this doesn’t mean that the spiritual is less important; on the contrary, it is crucial that your relationship is built on spiritual principles, like praying together, and seeking guidance from the Lord as a couple. However, today, we’re focusing on the practicalities of your day-to-day interactions. 1. Listen to one another All of us have our reality, which is based on our personality, upbringing, experiences, and many more factors. When both of you give the other space and time to live their reality, you both feel more valued and that your reality matters to your partner. You do this by truly listening to each other. This means you silence your reality when your partner speaks – you have to tell your subconsciousness that you don’t want to be reminded of all the things you want to say back at your partner. It’s a conscious choice to focus only on your partner’s reality. It doesn’t mean you ignore your feelings. When the time comes, and it is your turn to speak, you can ask questions and make comments, because then your reality is at play. You won’t be able to listen to one another if you both think your reality is more important. Acknowledge that both your realities are important and treat them as such, then the listening will follow. 2. Trust and support each other. Trust means that you can share your deepest thoughts, fears, and concerns with your partner, knowing it’s a safe space. Ultimately you’re entrusting one another with your hearts – the most significant kind of trust of all – since a person’s heart is at the centre of who they are. By entrusting someone with your heart, you’re saying that you know they will look out for you and take care of you; they will be your safe haven in a world that is inherently self-centered. When you do this, you start to know each other deeply and intimately. As a result, you’ll be in a much better position to support each other in achieving your dreams and goals, as a couple and as individuals. 3. Treat each other with respect. Respect means you see, acknowledge, and accept your partner for who they are and give them the necessary space to be that person. In addition, you cheer them on to grow, and achieve their full potential to accomplish what they should. In other words, you don’t try to change them or belittle them or their dreams; you celebrate and support their uniqueness. By respecting your partner, you’re indirectly telling them that they’re valuable to you and that you want to protect them and who God made them to be.  4. Set boundaries. This hinges on the previous point. Boundaries are there to protect. This includes boundaries within your relationship, for example, saying that you’ll never raise your voices at one another when there is conflict. You must also have boundaries that protect your relationship from external influences. These boundaries keep other people and what they say and do out of the sacredness of your marriage relationship. When there are no boundaries in a relationship, it can cause havoc.   5. Apologise – and mean it. For many of us, apologies do not come easy. But this doesn’t give you the right to hold back an apology simply because you want to be right. When you’re in the wrong and you know that you’ve acted in a way that’s not supportive of your relationship, you must apologise and rectify your actions as necessary. But don’t do it begrudgingly – an apology has to be genuine. If you give an apology only to keep the peace or even to manipulate,  and nothing about your behaviour or actions change, it doesn’t mean anything.  6. Maintain balance. Life is busy. It’s a symptom of the time we live in. In juggling all the many demands, many couples fall into the trap of saying that, when there is enough time, energy, and money, then they will do something as a couple. The problem is that these three prerequisites seldom all line up at the same time. As a result, your life gets out of balance, and you both end up spending a lot more time and energy on other things – work, the kids, getting exercise – than on your relationship. In other words, your marriage drops to the bottom of your priority list. To achieve balance, you must establish what you must let go and what you need to take up, to invest in and grow your relationship.  Balance means your relationship will get the priority attention

“Easter is a beautiful reminder that no matter what seems dead (your marriage, your dreams or even your faith) God can give it new life!”                        Davewillis.org Following Jesus is not about obeying a set of rules – it’s about being in a committed, personal relationship with Him. In Jesus, we have the ultimate example of what our earthly relationships should be like. That is why it’s so important that Jesus is the foundation of your marriage. If He isn’t at the centre you can follow the best advice and use the greatest relationship tools that are available, but you will still struggle. What’s more, in the Bible Jesus is presented as the bridegroom, with all believers (i.e. the church) being the bride. If you believe and confess that He is your Lord and Saviour, then you are part of His bride.  In God’s abundant grace, He therefore gives us the ability to experience and ‘practise’ marriage in this life before stepping into a marriage with Him.  It’s almost like doing a dress rehearsal in order to be prepared for the marriage with the Lamb. Having a Godly marriage where Jesus is at the centre requires living by the principles He demonstrated as the bridegroom during His time on earth. Easter provides an excellent example of these principles. 1. Love unconditionally  On the cross, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for people who didn’t even know or love Him yet! In other words, He loved a bride who didn’t love Him; He loved us first. In the same way, He is asking you to love your spouse regardless. Your love should not be dependent on whether and how much he or she hurts, disappoints or frustrates you. You should love your spouse despite of,  not because of.  2. Have a servant heart As the Son of God and our Saviour, Jesus deserved to be served. Yet, He chose to serve others instead. No sacrifice was too great – not even His own life, which He willingly laid down for His bride. Having a servant heart in marriage means always putting your spouse’s needs and desires above your own. This doesn’t mean that you become a mere slave. The beauty of Jesus’s example is that, once we accept Him as our Saviour and get to know Him, we naturally start serving Him and putting Him first. In the same way, when both partners in a marriage relationship prioritise serving one another, you will both be fulfilled and loved.  3. Let God lead you Jesus illustrated His love for us the way God wanted Him to love us – not the way that He wanted to. Before He went to the cross, He begged His Father to let the cup of suffering pass Him by, if possible. However, God’s plan and purpose required Jesus to die and rise again. So, Jesus obeyed. In fact,  Jesus didn’t do anything without guidance from the Father. His complete dependence and obedience to God is a blueprint for how to conduct yourself in your marriage. Insisting on doing and seeing things your way can stand in the way of what God has planned for your marriage. Start every day by asking the Father to lead you in how you speak and interact with your partner. And then do what He tells you, even if it means that you would be drawing the short straw.  4. Never give up  Jesus kept His eyes on the end goal and didn’t give up. Even though the goal meant immense suffering and eventually death, He persevered. Despite what He was going through He focused on restoring the beauty and holiness of the bride, giving everything to reunite the bride with God. Accomplishing what you want both in and through your marriage will often come at a great price and involve many sacrifices. Be willing to pay that cost, no matter what. If you choose to live your marriage according to the principles Jesus demonstrated during Easter, your relationship will start radiating His glory and perfect love, drawing and directing others to the marriage between the Lamb and His bride.  Questions to think and talk about: 1. Is your marriage a reflection of the marriage between the Lamb and His bride? What are the reasons for your answer? 2. Which of the four principles mentioned should you be more intentional about? How can you go about this?  3. What other principles demonstrated by Easter do you think can serve as an example for your marriage? Author Kobus Pauw https://walkingthetext.com/good-friday-the-triumph/https://youtu.be/swO5s6adraI?si=TzhblOvANUKL9DHu

“God is working on your problem. Stay calm. Stay sweet. Stay out of fear and keep on keeping on.”                                                                                                                 Joyce Meyer More often than not, we view and experience life from our frame of reference. Unknowingly, we allow our circumstances to predict the outcome, and we simply adjust accordingly so that we can absorb – as best we can – whatever curveballs life throws at us. The reality is that we feel inadequate to deal with the situation we’re facing,  whatever it relates to (e.g. marriage, family relationships, finances), and however big or small the obstacle may be. We become acutely aware of the fact that we don’t have the knowledge or the right capabilities to know and to do what must be done. We realise that we fall short. The result is that we become frustrated and disillusioned, and we start raging a war within us that can go on for a lifetime. Because no matter how hard we try, our abilities will never be able to carry us through. But what if the answer does not lie in our understanding and effort? What if our focus simply needs to shift? What if, instead of trying time and again and hitting the wall of our limitations, we surrender to a power and a Person who is much greater? In physical warfare, surrendering usually indicates losing. However, in the everyday battles of life, surrendering is the first step to victory. Crucially, you need to surrender to the right power. I’m talking about the power of a King like no other, who is so mighty that everything in the universe will bow the knee before Him: the one and only God. When you place your trust and hope for the future in Him as an individual and as a couple – the author of all that was, is, and will be – everything changes. You get a whole new outlook on life. You see the daily struggles and challenges from an eternal perspective and, as a result, you react to and experience these challenges in a completely different way. So, how does God see your situation and how does He expect you to see and navigate it? Let’s look at what His Word says. In Joshua 1: 9, the Word of God states: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  How many times a day do you get fearful of all the things that are beyond your control, whether it’s your personal life (e.g. a difficult season in your marriage, at work, or with your kids) or in the world around you (e.g. wars, politics, corruption)? God says that you do not have to be discouraged because He is with you wherever you go and whatever happens. In fact, you must not be discouraged – it’s an instruction. Things may look dismal and difficult on the surface, but you are not alone in the situation. You have the comfort of His presence. You can trust that He will make all things work out for good, even though it may not be in the way or timeframe you expected. He knows what’s best.  In Proverbs 3: 25 – 26, God gives a similar command and an equally comforting promise. He says “We do not have to be afraid of sudden terror and panic, nor the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes. For the Lord shall be our confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep our feet from being caught in a trap or some hidden danger.” Always remember that God knows about everything you’re facing. Your circumstances aren’t a surprise to Him; it didn’t catch Him off-guard. He knew the storm was coming, and unlike us, He is not moved by the storm. That is why your focus should be on Him and not yourself. Your strength and confidence to overcome whatever you’re facing must be solely rooted in Him. This is the opposite of what the world teaches us, namely that we must put ourselves first and trust no one else. The Word of God says that He is the only one we can trust and that He knows our weaknesses and the trials we face. Importantly, as Paul points out in the second letter to Corinthians, our weaknesses and shortcomings are good and necessary: “My grace (my favour and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me,”(2 Corinthians 12;9). You don’t need anything but God. All you need is to know Him and allow Him to be part of every single aspect of your life, including both the mundane frustrations and the serious struggles. Give over and surrender to Him. When you do, you allow Him to manifest His power and authority in and through your weaknesses. And any challenges you’re facing will shrink in comparison as they bow the knee to the King of kings. Questions to think and talk about: 1. How do you think the Lord sees you and your spouse today? 2. What part of your life and/or marriage have you not surrendered to Him? 3. What is keeping you from surrendering? 4. Read the following scriptures together. How do they apply to

“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”                                                                     Unknown Committing to sharing every aspect of life with someone else for the rest of your time on Earth is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. Therefore, you must carefully consider whom you choose to share and build a life with. However, it’s equally important that you and your partner are aligned on your convictions about and your expectations of marriage. “But we love one another”, you might say. “Isn’t that enough to carry us through?” While love is obviously central to marriage, love alone won’t necessarily guarantee that you’ll have a happy, successful marriage. To ensure your relationship is solid enough to weather every storm and season of life, there are a few things you should consider and discuss before you make your way to the altar. I recently read an article on marriage.com about what couples should ask themselves and one another before getting married. Let’s look at some of the points mentioned in more detail.Do you understand what “unconditional” means? The first question to ask yourself is whether you and your partner understand the consequences of the vows that you’re going to exchange. When it comes to the commitment of marriage, there are no Ts and Cs written into the vows, no cool-down period or cancellation clause. You are promising to stand together, come what may, through the good and the bad. And it’s 100% certain that you’ll be confronted with the bad at some point in your marriage. That’s simply life. Whether it’s something that affects both of you directly (for example, your baby is born with a serious illness) or something that has a greater impact on one of you (for example, an old school friend of one of you passing away), the bad is real and you’ll need to find a way to deal with it effectively. Commitment to each other works through and with the bad. It does not ignore it.Do you communicate effectively? Good communication is crucial to any relationship, including marriage. Effective communication is a two-way street and is made up of many parts. These include not withholding or being dishonest about your true thoughts and feelings, always communicating from a place of respect and love, having the courage to have tough conversations, and active listening, to name only a few. How would you rate your communication with your partner? If you’re unsure, start paying close attention to your conversations and interactions so that you can identify where there is room for improvement or possible red flags.Are you willing to give up your desires and needs? To be married is an ongoing act of selflessness. It means that, for the rest of your life, you commit to serving someone else, putting them first. Do you and your partner understand the implications of selflessness, i.e. allowing your words and actions to be determined by what will make your partner feel happy, secure, and supported? Are you both willing to submit to this? During the tough times, putting your own needs aside can be even harder – yet, it’s often in those times that selflessness is more important than ever. Are you best friends? Things change. Life goes through different phases and seasons. People get older. True friendship will endure through all these things. That’s why friendship should be the foundation of marriage.  If you’re not best friends, your inherent differences will easily become obstacles, making you doubt whether you are compatible. Friendship makes room for your differences and for accepting each other’s uniqueness.Do you accept responsibility for your wholeness? Your partner is not there to complete you and you are not there to complete them. Becoming whole is a life-long process between you and your Creator.  Only He knows what you need to become the person He made you to be. You are responsible for becoming whole, in collaboration with God – not your partner. This does not mean that you should not keep your partner informed of your progress and discoveries. When you do that, they can support you in the process. But the responsibility remains yours. Growing and developing is an essential part of your journey as an individual and as a couple. It’s important to understand that this does not mean you can be selfish. As discussed above, selflessness is vital to a long and happy marriage. Selflessness means you are both focused on what the other one needs and wants, but it doesn’t mean you are responsible for their ultimate happiness and fulfillment. Selflessness is about serving your spouse in love, not trying to fix them. These are only some of the things that you need to consider before stepping into marriage.For more points to reflect on and discuss, I highly recommend reading the full article on marriage.com at https;//www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-preparation/importa…t Questions to think and talk about:1. What are your partner’s expectations of marriage? If you don’t know, what do you think they are based on your relationship?2. Describe what commitment means for you as a couple. In what ways are you growing and developing as a couple?3. What things can you do to make growth a habit?    

It is that time of the year again. That time when everything slows down and when people can step away from the hustle and bustle of life. People start focusing more on the space at home and in the family. The concerns and pressure of work are forgotten for a week or two and it feels that you can breathe again. This is a time for reconnection, a space where you can make time for each other and family. The challenge however in most marriages and relationships is that the year has taken its toll, especially when it comes to the time that couples have with each other. This caused disconnection and made couples feel awkward with each other. They do not know what to talk about or what to do together. It could feel that they are in each other’s way. They could even feel that need to get to know each other again. The relationship can be compared to a couple who is in a long-distance relationship and who feels uncomfortable for the first day or two when they see each other physically after a long time apart.  The short times a couple does see each other during the year are just enough to make them aware that they are still in each other’s lives. These time intervals are however not long enough to work at and establish a deep emotional connection. They know they love one another, but they do not say it to each other regularly. They do not spend enough time together to look each other in the eye and make sure that they are connecting emotionally.  The result is emotional distance and disconnection, which are amplified during the holidays. What does a couple need to do to address this uncomfortable feeling in the space of their relationship? Be intentional about your relationship and each other. Choose each other daily and celebrate your relationship every day. See and experience how the space between the two of you starts to become safer until you realize that your heartbeats are in sync again. A few practical tips for reconnection: Enjoy each other’s company and make the most of every moment. Kobus Pauw There will be a Holiday Fun Challenge For Couples on Connection Impact’s Facebook and Instagram. We challenge couples to participate. Take a selfie when you do the activities and send it to  Hanneke at admin@connectionimpact.co.za or 082 752 7297. There will be a Date Night Voucher (only for couples living in the Western Cape) for the couple who share the most photos, showing us how you enjoy each other.  A total of 10 challenges will be sent from 18  December to 12 January. Remember to send your name and contact details with the photos.  Enjoy the Holiday.   Kobus PauwConnection Impact

“Active listening in marriage means dedicating your undivided attention to your spouse, not just hearing their words but also grasping their emotions, desires, and concerns. It involves empathy, respect, and genuine interest.” Laure Adley Active listening, as defined above, can have a significant positive impact on your marriage. Here are four ways in which the habit of active listening can benefit your relationship: When you make active listening part of your conversations as a couple, it means that you understand that, whenever you communicate, two different realities are fighting to be heard. In the world that we’re living in, we’re taught that the focus should be on me, myself, and I. For many of us, it therefore doesn’t necessarily come naturally to consider other people’s realities, especially when these are directly opposed to our reality. By creating a space for both of your realities, you are indirectly saying to one another that your different experiences, emotions, and perceptions have value and that you are interested in getting to know and learning more about each other’s worlds. Showing interest in one another’s realities automatically leads to the second benefit of safety. The moment you show interest in one another’s realities and give one another space to express your thoughts and feelings, you create a safe space within which you can communicate. As a result, you’ll become more willing to share, more deeply and intimately than before. You’ll find it easier to be open and honest with one another and you’ll likely find that you no longer sometimes apply a filter when you communicate.  Knowing that you are heard and safe will, in turn, increase the level of trust in your relationship.  You’ll both have peace of mind that you have each other’s best interests at heart. This will encourage you to make yourself more vulnerable because you are assured of your spouse’s love and protection. Whereas your previous insecurities or even dishonesty might have erected walls between you that prevented you from growing in your relationship, you will now be in a better position to achieve your goals as a couple. Having a vision and hope for the future will inject new life into your marriage.  The fourth and last benefit is that by engaging in active listening. you will be more intentional in your conversations. There are several aspects to this. Firstly it means that you’ll carefully choose the time and place for having conversations about important issues, instead of discussing these at random times that may be inconvenient, compromising the quality of your discussion.  Secondly, it means you’ll allow one another to share without interruption. Thirdly, it means you won’t read between the lines and come to conclusions about what your spouse is saying without first checking with them what they mean if you’re unsure.  Fourthly, it means you’ll pay attention to more than your partner’s words – you’ll be sensitive to their body language, tone of voice, and emotions as well.  Like any other habit, active listening takes practice. It may take some time to make it a natural part of your communication as a couple.  However, it’s undoubtedly worth the effort. A whole new world will open up in your marriage, bringing new depth to your relationship. Questions to think and talk about: Kobus PauwConnection Impact

If you haven’t experienced praying as a couple, these suggestions will help you get started. (Excerpt from Praying as a Couple by Janet Thomson) 2. Find a place where you can pray without interruption.  3. Determine a time that fits both  your schedules, and put it on your calendars. 4. If you choose morning, make it a pleasant time over a cup of coffee or tea. 5. If you choose evening, pray before you get into bed, because both of you probably will be exhausted at the end of the day and it will be hard to stay awake. 6. Take turns praying. If one of you is more comfortable than the other praying aloud, have that person start and the other spouse join in or say his or her own prayer. Or do conversational prayer, in which you alternate praying, just like talking to each other. 7. Start with short prayers until you get used to praying together. 8. Write down things you want to remember to pray about. It’s okay to pray with your eyes open so you can look at your notes. 9. Hold hands or embrace while you pray. 10. Remember that prayer is simply talking to God. You don’t have to use big theological terms or sound “spiritual”. Just pour out your heart to the only One who can really help. For the next 7 days, you will receive prayers to pray as a couple. Enjoy praying as a couple. Kobus PauwConnection Impact