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We live in a world that celebrates independence, personal rights, and individual happiness. While these things have value, they can lead us away from the foundational truths that sustain a godly marriage. A healthy marriage requires two people who are willing to lay down their agendas and preferences and choose each other, day after day. Drawing parallels between marriage and worship can help us understand what this entails.  A surrendered heart is keyMuch like worship, the key to a strong marriage is surrender – first to  God, and then to one another. Marriage is not merely an external act or a cultural tradition. It’s a continual surrender of self, a daily choice to honour, serve, and walk in unity with your spouse. And just as worship is not about what songs we sing and how well we sing them but about the life we live before God, marriage is not about appearances or roles – it’s about the state of the heart.God looks for hearts that are fully His (2 Chronicles 16:9). Similarly, a godly marriage requires hearts that are completely devoted to the covenant of marriage and that fight for connection, even when it’s difficult. In a world where convenience often trumps commitment, marriage demands unconditional devotion. Importantly, surrender in marriage does not mean you lose yourself. It involves finding your highest purpose in loving another deeply and selflessly. It’s listening when you’re tired. It’s letting go of pride. These are small, holy offerings that God receives as worship, and they heal and strengthen the marriage bond. Surrendering is an ongoing process Maintaining a surrendered heart and keeping your motives pure is easier said than done. The world tells us to “follow your heart”, but Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that the heart is deceitful. Your emotions, desires, and impulses can lead you astray if left unchecked. That’s why God tests the heart – and why you must continually ask Him to search your heart. This requires looking in the mirror and being honest with yourself: Are you seeking to serve, or to be served? Are you reacting in pride or humility? Without a surrendered heart, your actions will become nothing more than meaningless rituals. In Matthew 23:27-28, Jesus calls out the Pharisees for appearing righteous on the outside while being corrupt on the inside. Many marriages suffer this same contradiction: they appear to be functional, but inwardly they are cold and distant. It’s not enough to say the right things or perform the right gestures. Your heart must be in it. Prepare your heart Preparing your heart is a vital part of ongoing surrender. We often walk into church unprepared for the presence of God. In the same way, we often walk into marriage moments unprepared. We carry unresolved offense, a distracted mind, or unspoken expectations. But what if you paused, prayed, and invited God into the moment before a hard conversation? What if you sought His presence before reacting? Marriage needs intentional preparation in the same way worship does. When you show up to love your spouse, do so with a heart prepared by grace, prayer, and humility. It’s not about the feelingI recently heard a worship leader share his experience at a worship event. He said that as he was leading worship and sensing that the people had entered God’s presence, he began to thank God for what was happening. But then he heard the Lord say: “They are worshiping the song, not Me.” He was stunned.This story teaches us something vital: true worship is not about feelings or atmosphere. It’s about focus. Likewise, a strong marriage cannot be built on feelings alone. Love is not a mood: it’s a decision. There will be days when the “song” of marriage doesn’t sound right,  when you feel distant from your spouse, misunderstood, or unappreciated. It’s in those moments that the state of your heart matters most. You don’t walk away simply because the feelings are absent. You ask: What is happening inside of me that makes me feel disconnected?  Marriage, like worship, demands that you look inward and realign yourself with the covenant you’ve made. Love in spirit and truthJesus says that true worshippers worship in spirit and truth (John 4:23-24). Marriage, too, must be lived in spirit and truth. Spirit means being led by God, responding to His prompting. Truth means speaking and acting with honesty, integrity, and openness. A marriage where both partners are Spirit-led and truth-filled is a marriage that thrives. There’s no room for hidden bitterness, manipulation, or pretence. Instead, the relationship is characterised by transparency, freedom, and joy. No holding back In Luke 7, a woman weeps at Jesus’s feet in surrender, wipes them with her hair, and pours expensive oil on them. She has given everything she has; she didn’t hold back. Marriage requires the same heart: “I give you all of me, because I choose you, today, and every other day.” That is love. That is worship. That is marriage.

 I recently listened to a talk where the speaker referred to the space between something being said and how someone responds to what was said. The point the speaker was making was that the response – and the outcome – is determined by what happens in that space. The decisions we make in that space and the consequent actions we take shape the nature and quality of our relationships. In marriage, that space is sacred – it’s the place where love, respect, and understanding are given room to breathe. It’s where we choose whether we’ll respond with grace or with criticism. Ephesians 4:29 says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up…that it may benefit those who listen.” In marriage, your words should actively build up your partner, not tear them down. To achieve a specific outcome or goal in your marriage, your words and actions should encourage and support that outcome – and that requires careful consideration and wisdom. If you have ever travelled to or lived in the UK,  you would be familiar with the phrase that appears at many a train station: ‘Mind the gap’.  In this article, I want to plead with every couple: mind the gap between when your spouse says something and your response. That space not only determines what the next hour or day of your relationship will look like; it ultimately determines the trajectory of your marriage. It can make or break a relationship. In marriage, that gap is often the difference between conflict and peace, between distance and closeness. When we are gentle in our response, we sow peace (Proverbs 15:1). Considering the weight of what happens in that gap and its potential impact, we should be willing to linger there a little longer and think more carefully about what we want to say and how we want to act.  It starts with truly hearing what your spouse is saying and making sure you understand what they mean – because that will determine your thinking. James 1:19 is a key verse for any couple: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” In marriage, true listening is an act of love: it’s not just hearing the words but grasping the heart behind them.  Next, it’s crucial to wisely manage the space between what was said and how you respond. We often rush to respond instead of using the opportunity to properly contemplate the situation. Consequently, we end up with an outcome we regret, and that can be very hard to undo. Even Jesus, before saying or doing something significant, often withdrew to be quiet and pray (Mark 1:35). That is a good example for us to follow in marriage: don’t speak first – be still, be present, pray before you respond if you can.  Minding the gap requires a conscious decision to pause after your spouse has spoken to you. Make sure you’ve listened correctly. Get clarity on the best outcome for your marriage (not for yourself) – and then make choices that will help achieve that outcome. Romans 12:10 urges us: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.” Before you respond, there’s a chance to choose to treat your spouse with honour, which, in turn, strengthens trust and intimacy.  Every marriage is made up of thousands of moments of interaction, and between each one, there is a space. It’s in that ‘in-between’ that the Holy Spirit works – if we let Him. You can choose to ignore the space and the Spirit and react out of self-preservation. Or you can choose to follow wisdom and put your relationship first. It’s up to you.  Mind the gap – because in that quiet, sacred space, love becomes a choice, not just a feeling. Questions to think and talk about: 1. How do you typically respond to each other in emotionally charged moments? Do you react quickly, or do you allow one another space to think first?Follow-up: Can you think of a recent situation when pausing before responding would have changed the outcome?2. What does the “gap” between what is said and how you respond look like in your marriage? Follow-up: How can you better use that space to listen with empathy, understand each other’s intentions, and build one another up? 3. How can you invite God into that space between stimulus and response?Follow-up: What Scriptures, prayers or habits can you use to help you slow down and respond more like Christ?

Love bombing refers to manipulative behaviour where one partner overwhelms the other with excessive affection, attention, gifts, or praise. While it may appear romantic on the surface, love bombing is not rooted in genuine care. Instead, it comes from a desire to dominate or manipulate the emotional landscape of the relationship.  The underlying purpose is often an attempt to gain control, create dependency, or mask underlying issues. In marriage, love bombing can feel like a whirlwind of over-the-top gestures – lavish gifts, constant texting or calls, public displays of affection, and persistent declarations of love – all aimed at quickly securing deep emotional attachment. Over time, however, the intensity often shifts: the partner who once seemed so devoted can become distant, controlling, or even emotionally abusive.  Negative outcomes of love bombing.Although love bombing may initially feel flattering and exciting, it can harm your relationship over the long term. Some of the negative effects include the following: Emotional confusion: The dramatic swings between affection and withdrawal can leave the receiving partner feeling disoriented and insecure, never quite knowing what to expect. Loss of identity: The constant need to keep pleasing the other person or maintain their approval can lead to diminished self-worth. Dependency: The bombarded partner may become emotionally dependent on the manipulative spouse and become fearful of being abandoned. Manipulation and control: The love bomber may use their affection as a weapon, granting or withholding love to get their way.  Erosion of trust: The inconsistency and manipulation can damage trust, making it hard to discern genuine affection from control tactics.  Five ways to deal with love bombing1. Recognise the patternsBegin by identifying the behaviours or actions of your spouse that feel overwhelming, inconsistent, or manipulative. Does your spouse’s affection often come with strings attached? 2. Set and communicate boundaries Clearly express what kind of emotional exchange feels healthy to you. Let your spouse know that love and care should be steady and respectful, not extreme or conditional.  3. Seek emotional balanceCultivate a balanced view of love in your marriage. This includes consistent support of one another, honest communication, and shared decision-making. Steer clear of emotional extremes. 4. Engage in counsellingCouples or individual counselling can help uncover underlying issues that may trigger love bombing behaviour, such as insecurity, trauma, or control dynamics, and help you and\or your partner work towards healthier interactions.  5. Prioritise self-worth and independenceRebuild your sense of self outside of the relationship. Engage in personal interests, friendships, and spiritual practices that affirm your value beyond your spouse’s approval. Questions to think and talk about:1. Have you ever experienced moments in your marriage where affection from your partner felt overwhelming or insincere? How did it make you feel?2. What healthy boundaries can you establish in your marriage to ensure you express your love for one another in respectful and balanced ways?3. In what ways can you work together to cultivate emotional safety and genuine connection?

Marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God, meant to reflect the union between Christ and His Church. Yet, even in Christian marriages, unhealthy dynamics such as co-dependency can take root, choking intimacy, freedom, and spiritual growth. Understanding and healing co-dependency is essential for couples to thrive – not only as a couple but also in their individual walks with Christ.  What is co-dependency?Co-dependency is a behavioural pattern where one person excessively relies on another for their sense of identity, worth, or emotional stability. In a marriage, this often takes the form of one partner constantly trying to please or fix their spouse, while the other partner becomes increasingly independent or controlling. This dynamic is often rooted in fear, insecurity, or unresolved trauma. Instead of the mutual submission and love Scripture calls for, co-dependency distorts spousal roles into enabler and dependent. Over time, this leads to resentment, loss of personal identity, and emotional burnout. How to recognise co-dependency in marriage?Some elements of co-dependency are often mistaken for having a particularly deep connection with your spouse, which is why it is often overlooked – until it becomes a problem. Here are some signs to look for:*You find it hard to make decisions without your spouse’s approval.*You feel responsible for your spouse’s emotions.*You have a fear of being alone or abandoned.*You neglect your own needs for the sake of maintaining peace.*You avoid conflict with your spouse at all costs. 20 Christ-centred ways to heal co-dependencySo, if you recognise some of the signs of co-dependency in your marriage, what can you do about it? The good news is that God’s Word provides plenty of practical guidelines that can help you heal and restore your relationship.1. Acknowledge the problemAwareness is the first step to healing. Admit that co-dependency is a factor in your marriage and commit to doing something about it.”Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:322. Invite God into the healing processOnly He can truly transform hearts.“Unless the Lord builds the house…” Psalm 127:13. Work on your self-identityYour identity comes from Christ, not your spouse. Discover your God-given purpose.“You are God’s masterpiece…” Ephesians 2:104. Set healthy boundariesBoundaries are not barriers that will push you and your spouse apart. Rather, they protect your heart and your marriage.”Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5: 375. Seek individual therapy Healing old wounds from your past can break the chains of co-dependency you experience today.“Plans fail for lack of counsel…” Proverbs 15:226. Go to couples therapyA godly counsellor can help both of you recognise your unhealthy behavioural patterns and grow together.“In  an abundance of counsellors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:147. Practice saying “no”It’s okay to say no to protect your peace and priorities.“‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed – or- indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’” Luke 10: 41-428. Learn to detach with loveLove your spouse without trying to fix or control them.“Each one should carry their own load.” Galatians 6:59. Cultivate emotional intelligenceWork on your ability to manage your emotions through prayer and self-reflection.“Cast your anxiety on Him…” 1 Peter 5:710. Encourage mutual growthSupport each other’s unique callings and goals.‘As iron sharpens iron…” Proverbs 27:1711. Stop people-pleasingBe honest with one another even when it’s uncomfortable.”Am I trying to please people or God?” Galatians 1:1012. Don’t be the rescuerAllow your spouse to face the natural consequences of their actions.“A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:1913. Be assertive in your communicationBe clear and direct but always speak with love.” Speak the truth in love.” Ephesians 4:1514. Spend time apartTime alone helps you reconnect with yourself and God.“Jesus withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Luke 5:1615. Celebrate autonomyRecognise and honor each other’s individuality.“Rejoice with those who rejoice.” Romans 12:1516. Rebuild intimacy through equalityMake the shift from dependence to mutual respect and support.“Submit to one another…” Ephesians 5:2117. Confront your fear of abandonmentMeditate on and trust in God’s unshakable presence and His promises that He is always with you.“I  will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrew 13:518. Process your thoughts and feelings through a spiritual filterUse scripture, worship, and prayer to process and evaluate your thought patterns and feelings to align these with a Biblical way of life.“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-2419. Surround yourself with healthy examplesBeing part of a Christian community is key to effective, sustainable transformation.“Walk with the wise…” Proverbs 13:2020. Remember that your marriage is a covenant, not a your union point to God, not replace Him.“Seek first the Kingdom…” Matthew 6:33 So, what does a healthy marriage relationship look like?A healthy Christian marriage, free from co-dependency, is rooted in a shared devotion to Christ, where both of you maintain a personal relationship with God as your ultimate source of identity, worth, and direction. Rather than relying on each other to feel complete, you seek first the Kingdom of God and trust Him to guide your relationship. This allows you to love one another from a place of spiritual wholeness, instead of emotional neediness. Mutual submission, as described in Ephesians 5:21, is practiced not out of fear or guilt, but as an act of love and reverence for ChristIn practice, this looks as follows:*You encourage one another in your personal growth, praying together and individually, and allow space for each other’s spiritual journey.*Both of you take responsibility for your own emotions, decisions, and walk with God, and you respect one another’s emotional boundaries.*You support each other through life’s burdens but also recognise that each of you must carry your own load, as Galatians 6 teaches.*You embrace honest communication and don’t hesitate to speak the truth in love, thereby creating a safe environment that nurtures growth. *You

“Love is a willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.”                                                         Paul David Easter is a celebration of new life, sacrifice, and redemption – themes that closely mirror the journey of being married. During Easter, we reflect on how Christ’s unwavering love for humanity rescued us from sin and death, giving us new life in Him. In the same way, marriage thrives on love, selflessness, and renewal. By examining the significance of Easter, we can draw powerful parallels between Christ’s sacrifice and the commitment and devotion required in a lifelong partnership.   1. Love as the foundation At the heart of Easter is love, an all-encompassing, sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated by laying down His life for humanity. This deep, unconditional love is the foundation of a successful marriage. A healthy marriage is built on the principle of loving one another not just in moments of joy, but also in times of struggle. Just as Christ loved and died for us while we were still sinners, we are called to love our spouse selflessly and unconditionally, putting our partner’s needs above our own. In marriage, love is not just a feeling; it’s an action. It requires patience, kindness, forgiveness, and endurance, which are all qualities that Christ displayed on the cross. True marital love mirrors the love of Easter. It does not rely on fleeting emotions but resembles a lifelong commitment to loving and caring for your spouse despite their shortcomings and life’s challenges.  2. The power of sacrifice Easter teaches us that true love requires sacrifice. Jesus endured intense physical and emotional suffering and death for our sake, showing that genuine love is often costly. Similarly, in marriage, both spouses must be willing to sacrifice their desires, comforts, and even pride for the sake of the relationship. Whether it’s making sacrifices for the well-being of the family, setting aside personal ambitions for the greater good, or choosing to forgive rather than holding a grudge, marriage demands a heart that is willing to compromise for the sake of your partner and family. Importantly, like Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, marital sacrifice does not mean you will lose yourself; in fact, you may be surprised to find that it deepens the love and unity between you and your spouse.  3. Forgiveness and redemption One of the most powerful themes of Easter is redemption – the idea that no matter how broken things seem, renewal is possible. Christ’s resurrection after three days in the grave – during which time even some of His followers thought all was lost – symbolise hope, second chances, and the triumph of love over sin.  In marriage, forgiveness plays a similar role. No relationship is perfect, and both you and your partner will inevitably make mistakes. However, just as Christ forgives and restores, you must learn to extend grace to one another. Holding on to resentment and past hurts can weaken marriage, but choosing to forgive brings healing and renewal. Easter reminds us that love conquers sin; in a similar vein, a marriage built on grace and forgiveness will stand the test of time.  4. New beginnings and renewal Easter is also a time of new beginnings. It marks the victory of life over death, of hope over despair. Every marriage will face trials, but just like Easter Sunday follows Good Friday, happiness can follow hardship. If your marriage is going through a tough season, there is always the potential renewal – if you choose to start fresh by reaffirming your love for one another and moving forward together.  The key is to remain steadfast, trusting that love and commitment will bring a renewed sense of purpose and happiness to your relationship. In closing Easter and marriage share profound themes of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, and renewal. Both remind us that true love is not temporary, often unreliable emotions but about steadfast commitment, even in the face of trials. Just as Easter brings hope and a new life, a marriage rooted in love and faith can endure, flourish, and bring a lifetime of joy.  Questions to think and talk about:

“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.”                                                           Lorraine Nilon In marriage, boundaries are the limits and guidelines that spouses set to protect their emotional well-being, individuality, and the health of the relationship. These boundaries help define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behaviour, communication, and interactions with each other and with others. When these boundaries are not in place, it can easily lead to a situation where spouses or the people around them get involved in areas in which they shouldn’t be involved. This can lead to conflict and disconnection, and even the breakdown of the relationship. Boundaries are therefore not just a nice-to-have in marriage – they are an absolute necessity. Yet, couples often struggle to put down boundaries. Generally, most of us find it harder to set boundaries with those people to whom we are the closest.  So, let’s take a look at some of the boundaries that need to be in place in marriage. 1. Emotional Boundaries Emotional boundaries serve the purpose of protecting each other’s feelings and showing respect. Examples include avoiding name-calling during arguments or granting your partner’s need for alone time. These boundaries are also there to prohibit you from discussing your innermost emotions with people outside of your marriage. It is vital that you are very cautious about sharing your emotions with people other than your partner,  because if you do, you open the door for someone outside of your marriage to fulfill a need that should only be met by your partner. 2. Physical Boundaries These boundaries are about understanding and respecting each other’s personal space and physical needs, such as how much affection your partner is comfortable with or needs, or when they need rest. As with emotional boundaries, these boundaries also help ensure that your physical needs are not met by anyone outside of your marriage. 3. Time BoundariesMarriage, family, work, and personal life all involve a multitude of obligations and responsibilities that demand our time. Balancing the time you spend with each other with time spent with family and friends and on work and hobbies is extremely important. Discuss with whom or on what you need and want to spend time, as individuals and together, and allocate your time accordingly – but ensure your relationship stays a top priority.  4. Financial BoundariesMoney matters is a key cause of friction in marriage. It is critical that you are aligned on how you manage your finances and that each partner contributes according to their means. The first step is to discuss and set up a monthly budget together, if you haven’t already done so, and to review it regularly. Discuss your spending habits and agree on your goals, individually and as a couple. Being in agreement about how you view and manage your money and acknowledging the value that both partners bring, even if it isn’t a 50/50 split, will make it much easier to have money-related conversations.  5. Social Boundaries Social boundaries are about setting limits on how much influence family, friends, or social media have on your marriage and deciding how private or public your relationship should be. Although being part of a community is an important part of married life, a free-for-all approach where you open your marriage to input from everyone and anyone is very dangerous – rather partner with a trusted mentor couple who can provide you with guidance and advice in confidentiality and who have your best interests at heart. Having a mentor couple also means you have a safe space where you can go when you face challenges in your marriage.  6. Sexual BoundariesMost couples struggle to talk about sexual boundaries. However, discussing your expectations and comfort levels with regard to sexual intimacy is critical to finding a mutually fulfilling connection. The foundational principle of sexual boundaries is to know and acknowledge that the purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage is to serve one another. That is why things such as pornography, hurting or humiliating each other, or using intimacy as a weapon to manipulate your partner do not belong in intimacy between you and your spouse. 7. Technology BoundariesIn this day and age, technology is part of our everyday life. In fact, it regulates our daily lives to a large extent. Technology boundaries involve discussing how your digital habits – e.g. how much time you spend on your device(s) and which social media platforms you use –  – affect your relationship. This will enable you to put in place rules and limits that create a space where your technology usage does not interfere with your connection as a couple. 8. Conflict BoundariesHaving disagreements and arguments is part of married life – we are, after all, only human. Conflict boundaries mean you establish healthy ways to resolve disagreements, such as no yelling, not bringing up past issues unfairly, and taking breaks if emotions become too intense. Setting and respecting boundaries in marriage are essential to creating a strong, loving, and trusting marriage. Is your marriage protected by boundaries? Questions to think and talk about:1. Based on the above, what boundaries do you currently have in your relationship?2. How do you enforce these boundaries?3. Do other people like family know about these boundaries or do you need to inform them? 4. How is your marriage benefiting from having boundaries?5. What things make it difficult or (can make it difficult) for you to enforce your boundaries?

“Your marriage is never stronger than when you are praying for it.”                                                                                  Anonymous In the busy world we’re living in, we easily fall into the habit of following our own understanding and ways instead of taking guidance from our Creator through prayer. This happens because we tell ourselves we don’t have time to spend with God. And when we do manage to find the time, it’s often a swift, superficial encounter. This usually changes when challenges start creeping up on us and we realise that there’s trouble ahead. In these circumstances, we somehow find more time to spend with the Lord. However, our prayers then often involve us accusing Him, for not being there for us when we needed Him. Basically, we tend to use God as a spare wheel or an emergency roadside service, only reaching out to Him when we face the reality of a flat tyre or worse on our life journey.  Although spare tyres and emergency services are useful and necessary, you won’t need them if you consistently look after your vehicle and tyres. Maintaining your vehicle also means you’ll take on any journey with a lot more peace of mind, joy and confidence. Imagine your marriage as this vehicle. The reality is that you need to check it every day – and you do this by spending time with the One who created it. He knows best. You won’t have your car fixed or serviced by someone who isn’t a professional expert; so, why would you trust yourself or someone else to help you in your marriage? We don’t have the necessary knowledge or wisdom to make a marriage work – only God does. To allow the Lord to steer your marriage, you need to set time apart as a couple to spend with Him. You must ask Him for guidance in every aspect of your marriage relationship and listen to His response.  In my walk with my spouse of 33 years, I’ve come to realise that there are certain things we need to continuously ask from the Lord to ensure that our vehicle stays roadworthy and the journey free of unnecessary incidents. 1. A prayer for safetyThe first thing I usually ask of Him is to give us the tools to create a safe atmosphere in our marriage and to protect that atmosphere. In marriage, safety leads to trust, transparency and honesty. When safety forms part of your relationship, you can openly share your hearts with one another, knowing that you’ll have each other’s backs whatever curveballs life throws at you. It also allows you to take ownership of the decisions you’ve made and keep each other accountable for these decisions, without fear or judgement. 2. A prayer for a listening attitudeThe second request is for Him to help us to listen to each other. Both of you, man and woman, operate within a certain reality that shapes your thoughts, feelings and actions. It is vital that you acknowledge and understand each other’s realities. You don’t have to agree with one another’s realities, but understanding is vital. To accomplish this, you must make the time to truly listen to one another and to ask each other what is needed to address or fulfil what has been shared. Being heard automatically reduces conflict and uncertainties in a marriage relationship. That said, it will require time and effort from your side. Ask the Lord to show you what times are best for these conversations and to help you hear and understand what your partner wants to share with you.  3. A prayer for an empathetic heart The third prayer is that empathy will be part of your marriage. Empathy enables you to step into each other’s worlds and experience what your partner is experiencing. You gain a better understanding of one another and grow closer. Instead of your realities being in opposition to one another, you learn to compromise and create a space where both of you feel heard, understood and safe. 4. A prayer for the ability to forgive The last prayer request – but certainly not the least – is that the Lord will give you both the ability to forgive. It starts with realising that neither of you is perfect and that you will mess up. You can choose to hold on to these mistakes and use that against each other, but the outcome will be resentment and disconnection. Alternatively, you can choose to embrace each other’s weaknesses and forgive each other unconditionally. If you do this, your marriage will be a reflection of the Lord’s unconditional love.  There are many other prayer requests that can be brought into His presence. The main thing is that you seek His presence as a married couple, proactively and consistently, based on the acknowledgement that you need Him and His guidance. Keep on praying. Questions to think and talk about:1. How can you improve your prayer life as a couple?2. What specific requests or needs in your relationship should you pray for?3. What is the best time of the day for you to pray as a couple?4. What is hindering you from praying together as a couple? What can you do to overcome these obstacles? 

The time leading up to and just after a couple’s wedding is one of the most precious seasons in a relationship. Falling madly in love with one another for the first time, the joy of realising you’ve found the one, the thrill of getting engaged and, of course, starting your new life together once you get married – these likely represent some of the best times of your life. It’s during this time when you message one another most often (and likely with the most romantic declarations), when you create some of your most special memories, and when you take the most photos – so that you can re-live all those memorable moments as often as you wish. The world tells us that this blissful time is only temporary and it’s unrealistic – it will fade at some point because it doesn’t really reflect the reality of being in the relationship. If this was true, then every couple who got married would be doomed, knowing it would only be a matter of time before they’ll realise that all the wonderful things about their relationship were only a farce and that it would never be the same again. How pointless that would be! If that was the case, why would anyone want to get married? Yet, there are many couples who’ve been married for years and still look at one another with a sparkle in their eyes. That’s because the real truth is that it is possible to keep those young-and -in-love feelings alive, no matter how long you’ve been together. The experience may not be exactly the same; after all, you probably know a lot more about one another now, and you can only have all those ‘firsts’ once – the first date, the first ‘I love you’, the first kiss… However, you may be surprised to find that the experience can be even better than before, even if it’s different. That’s because romance now plays a different role in your relationship. It gives it depth and enables your relationship to grow and bear fruit that brings joy and blessings both to you as a couple and to those around you. So, what’s the secret to keeping the romance alive? Firstly, it’s a choice. Together, you and your spouse have to make a conscious decision that you want to keep your young-and-in-love experience alive. This means you don’t sit back and wait for those warm, fuzzy feelings to return or expect your partner to make it happen. Instead, you commit to creating and pursuing opportunities that you know will trigger those emotions and feelings. Secondly, you must be aware of one another’s needs in terms of how each of you view and experience love. This will help you to focus on the things that made your partner feel loved and cherished in the early stages of your relationship. For example, if you used to wash your wife’s car regularly without her even asking because her love language is acts of service and she now visits the carwash, ask yourself why this changed. Be conscious and pro-active about choosing words and actions that you know are most meaningful to your spouse. Thirdly, you have to make the habits you had at the beginning of your relationship part of your routine again. This can be as elaborate as a fancy, once-a-month date night where you dress up and go to a special venue, or as simple as hiding a note in your husband’s lunchbox every day. Habits and routines do not have to be boring and predictable. In fact, they can create excitement and expectation by keeping those things that fuelled your relationship at the beginning at the forefront.  Lastly, promise each other that you’ll never take one another or any aspect of your life together for granted. The moment you start doing that, you bring the ordinary and the mundane into your relationship, leaving no space for the magic that brought you together in the first place. Just like love is a verb, romance is a choice. Keeping that young-and-in-love feeling going throughout your marriage is possible. But it’s up to you.

“I have no other choice as a Christian. I owe it to Jesus Christ to live for Him, to make Him my consuming passion and the driving force in my life. To do this I have to die to my desires daily. I have to crucify the urge that measures every action and decision around what is best for me. Paul is eloquent regarding this fact: ‘We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body’ (2 Corinthians 4:10). Just as Jesus went to the cross, so I must go to the cross, always considering myself as carrying around ‘the death of Jesus’ so that his new life – his motivations, his purposes, his favour – might dominate in everything I do. This reality calls me to look at my spouse through Christian eyes.”                                                             Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage Contrary to what the world may tell us, marriage is not a 50\50 relationship where your ‘other half’ completes you. Marriage is a 100\100 relationship, where both partners give everything. The quote above shows us that marriage – much like the Christian life – is about sacrifice. To make the relationship work, you have to be willing to sacrifice whatever is important to you. If you put your own needs and desires first, the relationship will be filled with tension, frustration, and conflict. Your sole focus and goal should be serving your partner, whatever the cost – that’s how you build and maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Have you and your spouse had a conversation about what you think is needed to make your relationship work? And what about talking about what you would need to sacrifice in the process, and how willing you are to make the necessary sacrifices? When it comes to dying to ourselves in our Christian walk, we know that death does not come easily. Our natural instincts are to keep living our way. This is also applicable in our marriage. We would rather try to convince our partner why we cannot do something than make the sacrifice – even when we know full well that our partner would benefit from our sacrifice. At the heart of this selfishness is the fear that we are going to lose something in the process. Once again, our sinful human nature comes into play: why should we lose something while someone else benefits? The irony is, of course, that we lose a lot more if we choose not to make the sacrifice. We can reason our way around this matter endlessly. But the question you should ask yourself is whether that is how Christ expects you to live. He set the example of laying down everything for His Bride. Nothing was too costly, not even His life! We tend to think that Christ did not have a choice, but He did, otherwise He would not have asked if the cup could pass Him by. He was fully human when He died on the cross, giving His life willingly, so that we can have a relationship with our Heavenly Father without obstacles. What is hindering your relationship from being the best marriage it could be, and what sacrifices can you make to reduce or even take away these obstacles? I encourage you to take some time to think about this question and do self-reflection. If all the fingers point in your direction, choose to make the sacrifice. If you struggle to make the sacrifice, then ask yourself what Jesus would do in your place and do what He would do. Marriage means laying down your life for your partner daily. That is the only way in which your partner will feel loved in a unique and exclusive way. But you would not be able to do this consistently in your own strength. The Lord knows this, which is why you need the author of marriage to guide you in this process. This can only be done in a close relationship with God: walking with Him daily, always listening for His guidance, and being obedient to what He says. You must do this as individuals and as a couple. Take the Hand of the One who set the example of the ultimate sacrifice – He knows what is best for both you and your partner. RegardsKobus PauwConnection Impact

I would like to talk to you about Christmas and about what the message of Christmas means in marriage. There are two Scriptures that I want to reflect on to set the scene. The first is Luke 2:10-11, where it is written: “But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” (NIV) The other Scripture is Matthew 1:23: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel ( which means ‘God with us’).” (NIV) When I think of Christmas, I think of the word ‘together’: eating together, laughing together, spending time together. But there is also something else that most of us probably think about when we think of Christmas: gifts. When I was a child, I couldn’t wait to unwrap the gifts that were under the tree to see what was inside. When no one was watching, I would pick up each gift and give it a shake or carefully feel the wrapping paper to see if I could identify what it could possibly be. The tradition of gift-giving revolves around love. We give gifts to the ones we love, and we give them things we know they will love. As Christians, Christmas is a time when we reflect on the greatest gift we have ever received, as captured in the Scriptures above: God’s only Son, Jesus. The amazing thing about this gift is that God not only gave it to us out of His love for us but also to teach us about love. He did this in the most personal way possible. God didn’t love us from a distance. He gave us His Son to come and live among us so that Jesus could set an example of what it looks like to love one another and how to love the Lord. He made the ultimate sacrifice to become part of our world. What’s more, there are no conditions attached to this gift. We can choose when we want to open the gift and claim it for ourselves. There are no limits – it never expires. And everyone’s included – no exceptions. This gift is also the most valuable gift we can ever receive. It’s a life-changing gift because it has the power to take away our sins and to re-establish our relationship with the Lord the way He intended it to be, to restore it to the perfect relationship God had with Adam and Eve before the fall. No other gift will ever have a more costly price tag, and no other gift is more important or precious. The question is: how can you show your appreciation for this gift this festive season in what you give your spouse? You could easily walk into a shop and buy a gift. It will take a bit of time to find the right gift and it will cost you some money. But you’ll earn more money to replace what you’ve spent, and the gift will likely only be used and admired for a limited time. Here’s a thought: what if you give each other a gift this Christmas that is modeled on the gift God gave you and the example set by Jesus? I challenge you to give a gift out of yourself. This reminds me of a story I once read. In 1994, two missionaries in Moscow told the story of Christmas to a group of children in an orphanage. The children had been abused and abandoned and had never heard the story of Christmas. They were entranced, hanging on to the missionaries’ every word. To complete the story, each child was given some cardboard to make a manger, a piece of yellow paper to be torn into strips and placed in the manger as straw, and a piece of felt in the shape of a doll to represent baby Jesus. One of the missionaries noticed that Yuri, who was about 6 years old, had two babies in his manger. When asked about this, Yuri repeated the story of Jesus’s birth. But when he came to the part where Mary placed baby Jesus in the manger, he said. “And when Mary laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked if I had a place to stay. I told him I don’t have a dad and a mum, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him. But I told him I couldn’t because I did not have a gift to give him like everybody else did, even though I wanted so badly to stay with Jesus. I thought about what I could give him, and I asked Jesus: ‘If I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift?’ Jesus answered, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me’. So, I got into the manger.  And then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him for always.” Once Yuri finished his story, tears welled up in his eyes and he started sobbing. Because even though he felt he didn’t have much to give, someone had given him the most precious gift he could have asked for, a place to belong, for always. It was the one thing he needed and yearned for more than anything else. However, what Yuri didn’t realise is that he also gave the biggest gift he could possibly give: himself. I want to challenge you and your spouse to spend time with the Lord to find out what He wants you to give each other this Christmas. It could be as simple as a proper embrace – if you haven’t held each other in a very long time. It could be a word of forgiveness, or a word