Before you get married

“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”                                                                      Unknown Committing to sharing every aspect of life with someone else for the rest of your time on Earth is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. Therefore, you must carefully consider whom you choose to share and build a life with. However, it’s equally important that you and your partner are aligned on your convictions about and your expectations of marriage. “But we love one another”, you might say. “Isn’t that enough to carry us through?” While love is obviously central to marriage, love alone won’t necessarily guarantee that you’ll have a happy, successful marriage. To ensure your relationship is solid enough to weather every storm and season of life, there are a few things you should consider and discuss before you make your way to the altar. I recently read an article on marriage.com about what couples should ask themselves and one another before getting married. Let’s look at some of the points mentioned in more detail. Do you understand what “unconditional” means? The first question to ask yourself is whether you and your partner understand the consequences of the vows that you’re going to exchange. When it comes to the commitment of marriage, there are no Ts and Cs written into the vows, no cool-down period or cancellation clause. You are promising to stand together, come what may, through the good and the bad. And it’s 100% certain that you’ll be confronted with the bad at some point in your marriage. That’s simply life. Whether it’s something that affects both of you directly (for example, your baby is born with a serious illness) or something that has a greater impact on one of you (for example, an old school friend of one of you passing away), the bad is real and you’ll need to find a way to deal with it effectively. Commitment to each other works through and with the bad. It does not ignore it. Do you communicate effectively? Good communication is crucial to any relationship, including marriage. Effective communication is a two-way street and is made up of many parts. These include not withholding or being dishonest about your true thoughts and feelings, always communicating from a place of respect and love, having the courage to have tough conversations, and active listening, to name only a few. How would you rate your communication with your partner? If you’re unsure, start paying close attention to your conversations and interactions so that you can identify where there is room for improvement or possible red flags. Are you willing to give up your desires and needs? To be married is an ongoing act of selflessness. It means that, for the rest of your life, you commit to serving someone else, putting them first. Do you and your partner understand the implications of selflessness, i.e. allowing your words and actions to be determined by what will make your partner feel happy, secure, and supported? Are you both willing to submit to this? During the tough times, putting your own needs aside can be even harder – yet, it’s often in those times that selflessness is more important than ever.  Are you best friends? Things change. Life goes through different phases and seasons. People get older. True friendship will endure through all these things. That’s why friendship should be the foundation of marriage.  If you’re not best friends, your inherent differences will easily become obstacles, making you doubt whether you are compatible. Friendship makes room for your differences and for accepting each other’s uniqueness. Do you accept responsibility for your wholeness? Your partner is not there to complete you and you are not there to complete them. Becoming whole is a life-long process between you and your Creator.  Only He knows what you need to become the person He made you to be. You are responsible for becoming whole, in collaboration with God – not your partner. This does not mean that you should not keep your partner informed of your progress and discoveries. When you do that, they can support you in the process. But the responsibility remains yours. Growing and developing is an essential part of your journey as an individual and as a couple. It’s important to understand that this does not mean you can be selfish. As discussed above, selflessness is vital to a long and happy marriage. Selflessness means you are both focused on what the other one needs and wants, but it doesn’t mean you are responsible for their ultimate happiness and fulfillment. Selflessness is about serving your spouse in love, not trying to fix them. These are only some of the things that you need to consider before stepping into marriage. For more points to reflect on and discuss, I highly recommend reading the full article on marriage.com at https;//www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-preparation/importa…t  Questions to think and talk about: 1. What are your partner’s expectations of marriage? If you don’t know, what do you think they are based on your relationship? 2. Describe what commitment means for you as a couple. In what ways are you growing and developing as a couple? 3. What things can you do to make growth a habit?