Connection Impact

It is holiday-What now?

It is that time of the year again. That time when everything slows down and when people can step away from the hustle and bustle of life. People start focusing more on the space at home and in the family. The concerns and pressure of work are forgotten for a week or two and it feels that you can breathe again.

This is a time for reconnection, a space where you can make time for each other and family.

The challenge however in most marriages and relationships is that the year has taken its toll, especially when it comes to the time that couples have with each other. This caused disconnection and made couples feel awkward with each other. They do not know what to talk about or what to do together. It could feel that they are in each other’s way. They could even feel that need to get to know each other again. The relationship can be compared to a couple who is in a long-distance relationship and who feels uncomfortable for the first day or two when they see each other physically after a long time apart. 

The short times a couple does see each other during the year are just enough to make them aware that they are still in each other’s lives. These time intervals are however not long enough to work at and establish a deep emotional connection. They know they love one another, but they do not say it to each other regularly. They do not spend enough time together to look each other in the eye and make sure that they are connecting emotionally.  The result is emotional distance and disconnection, which are amplified during the holidays.

What does a couple need to do to address this uncomfortable feeling in the space of their relationship?

  1. Become aware of the fact that you are not unique. Become aware that it is going to take work and intentional choices to turn toward one another and to change the situation. The couple can feel that they need to fill the space with other things, like time with the children and family.  This must also be done but choose to also turn towards each other and acknowledge that there is a disconnection. Identify this and then decide what needs to be done to address this disconnection. This needs to be done in such a way that the couple has more time alone during the holidays.
  2.  Put time aside to do what has been decided. Make time for each other. Do not let the busyness of the holidays infiltrate your relationship. Make time to sit and talk. Go for walks, choose to hold hands, hold each other, and go and experience a sunset together. Do things you did when you were dating. Look each other in the eye and tell each other what you appreciate from one another. Do this daily.

Be intentional about your relationship and each other. Choose each other daily and celebrate your relationship every day. See and experience how the space between the two of you starts to become safer until you realize that your heartbeats are in sync again.

A few practical tips for reconnection:

  1. Couple rituals – like the way you greet each other before you start the day or when you go to bed.
  2. Decide to ask each other daily how things are going and share your thoughts.
  3. Ask the question: “Is this good for our relationship?”
  4. Set up healthy boundaries. People, especially children and family must know where your boundaries are and respect them. They will not know this if it is not communicated. There are times when a couple needs to be alone. This does not mean that the couple is cross with the family or that someone did something wrong. Ask them to respect this request.
  5. Encourage each other. Look for the positive in each other, create a sense of humor, and praise your partner for things, that he or she has done.
  6. Schedule time for the marriage: A couple needs time alone to strengthen their relationship. This time must be scheduled and planned.
  7.  Forget about work: Keep cell phones off. Do not check your emails regularly. Try to get away from the office and that atmosphere. For some people, their office space is a safe place and when they feel uncomfortable, they start to work again. Rather turn towards each other and talk than spend time on a phone, emails, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
  8. Create a codeword for love. This word only you and your partner know. Use this word anywhere you go to remind each other of the connection you have.

Enjoy each other’s company and make the most of every moment.

Kobus Pauw

There will be a Holiday Fun Challenge For Couples on Connection Impact’s Facebook and Instagram. We challenge couples to participate. Take a selfie when you do the activities and send it to  Hanneke at or 082 752 7297. There will be a Date Night Voucher (only for couples living in the Western Cape) for the couple who share the most photos, showing us how you enjoy each other.  A total of 10 challenges will be sent from 18  December to 12 January. Remember to send your name and contact details with the photos. 

Enjoy the Holiday. 

Kobus Pauw
Connection Impact

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