Author name: Lian Smit

“Love is a willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.”                                                         Paul David Easter is a celebration of new life, sacrifice, and redemption – themes that closely mirror the journey of being married. During Easter, we reflect on how Christ’s unwavering love for humanity rescued us from sin and death, giving us new life in Him. In the same way, marriage thrives on love, selflessness, and renewal. By examining the significance of Easter, we can draw powerful parallels between Christ’s sacrifice and the commitment and devotion required in a lifelong partnership.   1. Love as the foundation At the heart of Easter is love, an all-encompassing, sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated by laying down His life for humanity. This deep, unconditional love is the foundation of a successful marriage. A healthy marriage is built on the principle of loving one another not just in moments of joy, but also in times of struggle. Just as Christ loved and died for us while we were still sinners, we are called to love our spouse selflessly and unconditionally, putting our partner’s needs above our own. In marriage, love is not just a feeling; it’s an action. It requires patience, kindness, forgiveness, and endurance, which are all qualities that Christ displayed on the cross. True marital love mirrors the love of Easter. It does not rely on fleeting emotions but resembles a lifelong commitment to loving and caring for your spouse despite their shortcomings and life’s challenges.  2. The power of sacrifice Easter teaches us that true love requires sacrifice. Jesus endured intense physical and emotional suffering and death for our sake, showing that genuine love is often costly. Similarly, in marriage, both spouses must be willing to sacrifice their desires, comforts, and even pride for the sake of the relationship. Whether it’s making sacrifices for the well-being of the family, setting aside personal ambitions for the greater good, or choosing to forgive rather than holding a grudge, marriage demands a heart that is willing to compromise for the sake of your partner and family. Importantly, like Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, marital sacrifice does not mean you will lose yourself; in fact, you may be surprised to find that it deepens the love and unity between you and your spouse.  3. Forgiveness and redemption One of the most powerful themes of Easter is redemption – the idea that no matter how broken things seem, renewal is possible. Christ’s resurrection after three days in the grave – during which time even some of His followers thought all was lost – symbolise hope, second chances, and the triumph of love over sin.  In marriage, forgiveness plays a similar role. No relationship is perfect, and both you and your partner will inevitably make mistakes. However, just as Christ forgives and restores, you must learn to extend grace to one another. Holding on to resentment and past hurts can weaken marriage, but choosing to forgive brings healing and renewal. Easter reminds us that love conquers sin; in a similar vein, a marriage built on grace and forgiveness will stand the test of time.  4. New beginnings and renewal Easter is also a time of new beginnings. It marks the victory of life over death, of hope over despair. Every marriage will face trials, but just like Easter Sunday follows Good Friday, happiness can follow hardship. If your marriage is going through a tough season, there is always the potential renewal – if you choose to start fresh by reaffirming your love for one another and moving forward together.  The key is to remain steadfast, trusting that love and commitment will bring a renewed sense of purpose and happiness to your relationship. In closing Easter and marriage share profound themes of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, and renewal. Both remind us that true love is not temporary, often unreliable emotions but about steadfast commitment, even in the face of trials. Just as Easter brings hope and a new life, a marriage rooted in love and faith can endure, flourish, and bring a lifetime of joy.  Questions to think and talk about:

“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.”                                                           Lorraine Nilon In marriage, boundaries are the limits and guidelines that spouses set to protect their emotional well-being, individuality, and the health of the relationship. These boundaries help define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behaviour, communication, and interactions with each other and with others. When these boundaries are not in place, it can easily lead to a situation where spouses or the people around them get involved in areas in which they shouldn’t be involved. This can lead to conflict and disconnection, and even the breakdown of the relationship. Boundaries are therefore not just a nice-to-have in marriage – they are an absolute necessity. Yet, couples often struggle to put down boundaries. Generally, most of us find it harder to set boundaries with those people to whom we are the closest.  So, let’s take a look at some of the boundaries that need to be in place in marriage. 1. Emotional Boundaries Emotional boundaries serve the purpose of protecting each other’s feelings and showing respect. Examples include avoiding name-calling during arguments or granting your partner’s need for alone time. These boundaries are also there to prohibit you from discussing your innermost emotions with people outside of your marriage. It is vital that you are very cautious about sharing your emotions with people other than your partner,  because if you do, you open the door for someone outside of your marriage to fulfill a need that should only be met by your partner. 2. Physical Boundaries These boundaries are about understanding and respecting each other’s personal space and physical needs, such as how much affection your partner is comfortable with or needs, or when they need rest. As with emotional boundaries, these boundaries also help ensure that your physical needs are not met by anyone outside of your marriage. 3. Time BoundariesMarriage, family, work, and personal life all involve a multitude of obligations and responsibilities that demand our time. Balancing the time you spend with each other with time spent with family and friends and on work and hobbies is extremely important. Discuss with whom or on what you need and want to spend time, as individuals and together, and allocate your time accordingly – but ensure your relationship stays a top priority.  4. Financial BoundariesMoney matters is a key cause of friction in marriage. It is critical that you are aligned on how you manage your finances and that each partner contributes according to their means. The first step is to discuss and set up a monthly budget together, if you haven’t already done so, and to review it regularly. Discuss your spending habits and agree on your goals, individually and as a couple. Being in agreement about how you view and manage your money and acknowledging the value that both partners bring, even if it isn’t a 50/50 split, will make it much easier to have money-related conversations.  5. Social Boundaries Social boundaries are about setting limits on how much influence family, friends, or social media have on your marriage and deciding how private or public your relationship should be. Although being part of a community is an important part of married life, a free-for-all approach where you open your marriage to input from everyone and anyone is very dangerous – rather partner with a trusted mentor couple who can provide you with guidance and advice in confidentiality and who have your best interests at heart. Having a mentor couple also means you have a safe space where you can go when you face challenges in your marriage.  6. Sexual BoundariesMost couples struggle to talk about sexual boundaries. However, discussing your expectations and comfort levels with regard to sexual intimacy is critical to finding a mutually fulfilling connection. The foundational principle of sexual boundaries is to know and acknowledge that the purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage is to serve one another. That is why things such as pornography, hurting or humiliating each other, or using intimacy as a weapon to manipulate your partner do not belong in intimacy between you and your spouse. 7. Technology BoundariesIn this day and age, technology is part of our everyday life. In fact, it regulates our daily lives to a large extent. Technology boundaries involve discussing how your digital habits – e.g. how much time you spend on your device(s) and which social media platforms you use –  – affect your relationship. This will enable you to put in place rules and limits that create a space where your technology usage does not interfere with your connection as a couple. 8. Conflict BoundariesHaving disagreements and arguments is part of married life – we are, after all, only human. Conflict boundaries mean you establish healthy ways to resolve disagreements, such as no yelling, not bringing up past issues unfairly, and taking breaks if emotions become too intense. Setting and respecting boundaries in marriage are essential to creating a strong, loving, and trusting marriage. Is your marriage protected by boundaries? Questions to think and talk about:1. Based on the above, what boundaries do you currently have in your relationship?2. How do you enforce these boundaries?3. Do other people like family know about these boundaries or do you need to inform them? 4. How is your marriage benefiting from having boundaries?5. What things make it difficult or (can make it difficult) for you to enforce your boundaries?

“Your marriage is never stronger than when you are praying for it.”                                                                                  Anonymous In the busy world we’re living in, we easily fall into the habit of following our own understanding and ways instead of taking guidance from our Creator through prayer. This happens because we tell ourselves we don’t have time to spend with God. And when we do manage to find the time, it’s often a swift, superficial encounter. This usually changes when challenges start creeping up on us and we realise that there’s trouble ahead. In these circumstances, we somehow find more time to spend with the Lord. However, our prayers then often involve us accusing Him, for not being there for us when we needed Him. Basically, we tend to use God as a spare wheel or an emergency roadside service, only reaching out to Him when we face the reality of a flat tyre or worse on our life journey.  Although spare tyres and emergency services are useful and necessary, you won’t need them if you consistently look after your vehicle and tyres. Maintaining your vehicle also means you’ll take on any journey with a lot more peace of mind, joy and confidence. Imagine your marriage as this vehicle. The reality is that you need to check it every day – and you do this by spending time with the One who created it. He knows best. You won’t have your car fixed or serviced by someone who isn’t a professional expert; so, why would you trust yourself or someone else to help you in your marriage? We don’t have the necessary knowledge or wisdom to make a marriage work – only God does. To allow the Lord to steer your marriage, you need to set time apart as a couple to spend with Him. You must ask Him for guidance in every aspect of your marriage relationship and listen to His response.  In my walk with my spouse of 33 years, I’ve come to realise that there are certain things we need to continuously ask from the Lord to ensure that our vehicle stays roadworthy and the journey free of unnecessary incidents. 1. A prayer for safetyThe first thing I usually ask of Him is to give us the tools to create a safe atmosphere in our marriage and to protect that atmosphere. In marriage, safety leads to trust, transparency and honesty. When safety forms part of your relationship, you can openly share your hearts with one another, knowing that you’ll have each other’s backs whatever curveballs life throws at you. It also allows you to take ownership of the decisions you’ve made and keep each other accountable for these decisions, without fear or judgement. 2. A prayer for a listening attitudeThe second request is for Him to help us to listen to each other. Both of you, man and woman, operate within a certain reality that shapes your thoughts, feelings and actions. It is vital that you acknowledge and understand each other’s realities. You don’t have to agree with one another’s realities, but understanding is vital. To accomplish this, you must make the time to truly listen to one another and to ask each other what is needed to address or fulfil what has been shared. Being heard automatically reduces conflict and uncertainties in a marriage relationship. That said, it will require time and effort from your side. Ask the Lord to show you what times are best for these conversations and to help you hear and understand what your partner wants to share with you.  3. A prayer for an empathetic heart The third prayer is that empathy will be part of your marriage. Empathy enables you to step into each other’s worlds and experience what your partner is experiencing. You gain a better understanding of one another and grow closer. Instead of your realities being in opposition to one another, you learn to compromise and create a space where both of you feel heard, understood and safe. 4. A prayer for the ability to forgive The last prayer request – but certainly not the least – is that the Lord will give you both the ability to forgive. It starts with realising that neither of you is perfect and that you will mess up. You can choose to hold on to these mistakes and use that against each other, but the outcome will be resentment and disconnection. Alternatively, you can choose to embrace each other’s weaknesses and forgive each other unconditionally. If you do this, your marriage will be a reflection of the Lord’s unconditional love.  There are many other prayer requests that can be brought into His presence. The main thing is that you seek His presence as a married couple, proactively and consistently, based on the acknowledgement that you need Him and His guidance. Keep on praying. Questions to think and talk about:1. How can you improve your prayer life as a couple?2. What specific requests or needs in your relationship should you pray for?3. What is the best time of the day for you to pray as a couple?4. What is hindering you from praying together as a couple? What can you do to overcome these obstacles? 

The time leading up to and just after a couple’s wedding is one of the most precious seasons in a relationship. Falling madly in love with one another for the first time, the joy of realising you’ve found the one, the thrill of getting engaged and, of course, starting your new life together once you get married – these likely represent some of the best times of your life. It’s during this time when you message one another most often (and likely with the most romantic declarations), when you create some of your most special memories, and when you take the most photos – so that you can re-live all those memorable moments as often as you wish. The world tells us that this blissful time is only temporary and it’s unrealistic – it will fade at some point because it doesn’t really reflect the reality of being in the relationship. If this was true, then every couple who got married would be doomed, knowing it would only be a matter of time before they’ll realise that all the wonderful things about their relationship were only a farce and that it would never be the same again. How pointless that would be! If that was the case, why would anyone want to get married? Yet, there are many couples who’ve been married for years and still look at one another with a sparkle in their eyes. That’s because the real truth is that it is possible to keep those young-and -in-love feelings alive, no matter how long you’ve been together. The experience may not be exactly the same; after all, you probably know a lot more about one another now, and you can only have all those ‘firsts’ once – the first date, the first ‘I love you’, the first kiss… However, you may be surprised to find that the experience can be even better than before, even if it’s different. That’s because romance now plays a different role in your relationship. It gives it depth and enables your relationship to grow and bear fruit that brings joy and blessings both to you as a couple and to those around you. So, what’s the secret to keeping the romance alive? Firstly, it’s a choice. Together, you and your spouse have to make a conscious decision that you want to keep your young-and-in-love experience alive. This means you don’t sit back and wait for those warm, fuzzy feelings to return or expect your partner to make it happen. Instead, you commit to creating and pursuing opportunities that you know will trigger those emotions and feelings. Secondly, you must be aware of one another’s needs in terms of how each of you view and experience love. This will help you to focus on the things that made your partner feel loved and cherished in the early stages of your relationship. For example, if you used to wash your wife’s car regularly without her even asking because her love language is acts of service and she now visits the carwash, ask yourself why this changed. Be conscious and pro-active about choosing words and actions that you know are most meaningful to your spouse. Thirdly, you have to make the habits you had at the beginning of your relationship part of your routine again. This can be as elaborate as a fancy, once-a-month date night where you dress up and go to a special venue, or as simple as hiding a note in your husband’s lunchbox every day. Habits and routines do not have to be boring and predictable. In fact, they can create excitement and expectation by keeping those things that fuelled your relationship at the beginning at the forefront.  Lastly, promise each other that you’ll never take one another or any aspect of your life together for granted. The moment you start doing that, you bring the ordinary and the mundane into your relationship, leaving no space for the magic that brought you together in the first place. Just like love is a verb, romance is a choice. Keeping that young-and-in-love feeling going throughout your marriage is possible. But it’s up to you.

“I have no other choice as a Christian. I owe it to Jesus Christ to live for Him, to make Him my consuming passion and the driving force in my life. To do this I have to die to my desires daily. I have to crucify the urge that measures every action and decision around what is best for me. Paul is eloquent regarding this fact: ‘We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body’ (2 Corinthians 4:10). Just as Jesus went to the cross, so I must go to the cross, always considering myself as carrying around ‘the death of Jesus’ so that his new life – his motivations, his purposes, his favour – might dominate in everything I do. This reality calls me to look at my spouse through Christian eyes.”                                                             Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage Contrary to what the world may tell us, marriage is not a 50\50 relationship where your ‘other half’ completes you. Marriage is a 100\100 relationship, where both partners give everything. The quote above shows us that marriage – much like the Christian life – is about sacrifice. To make the relationship work, you have to be willing to sacrifice whatever is important to you. If you put your own needs and desires first, the relationship will be filled with tension, frustration, and conflict. Your sole focus and goal should be serving your partner, whatever the cost – that’s how you build and maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Have you and your spouse had a conversation about what you think is needed to make your relationship work? And what about talking about what you would need to sacrifice in the process, and how willing you are to make the necessary sacrifices? When it comes to dying to ourselves in our Christian walk, we know that death does not come easily. Our natural instincts are to keep living our way. This is also applicable in our marriage. We would rather try to convince our partner why we cannot do something than make the sacrifice – even when we know full well that our partner would benefit from our sacrifice. At the heart of this selfishness is the fear that we are going to lose something in the process. Once again, our sinful human nature comes into play: why should we lose something while someone else benefits? The irony is, of course, that we lose a lot more if we choose not to make the sacrifice. We can reason our way around this matter endlessly. But the question you should ask yourself is whether that is how Christ expects you to live. He set the example of laying down everything for His Bride. Nothing was too costly, not even His life! We tend to think that Christ did not have a choice, but He did, otherwise He would not have asked if the cup could pass Him by. He was fully human when He died on the cross, giving His life willingly, so that we can have a relationship with our Heavenly Father without obstacles. What is hindering your relationship from being the best marriage it could be, and what sacrifices can you make to reduce or even take away these obstacles? I encourage you to take some time to think about this question and do self-reflection. If all the fingers point in your direction, choose to make the sacrifice. If you struggle to make the sacrifice, then ask yourself what Jesus would do in your place and do what He would do. Marriage means laying down your life for your partner daily. That is the only way in which your partner will feel loved in a unique and exclusive way. But you would not be able to do this consistently in your own strength. The Lord knows this, which is why you need the author of marriage to guide you in this process. This can only be done in a close relationship with God: walking with Him daily, always listening for His guidance, and being obedient to what He says. You must do this as individuals and as a couple. Take the Hand of the One who set the example of the ultimate sacrifice – He knows what is best for both you and your partner. RegardsKobus PauwConnection Impact

I would like to talk to you about Christmas and about what the message of Christmas means in marriage. There are two Scriptures that I want to reflect on to set the scene. The first is Luke 2:10-11, where it is written: “But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” (NIV) The other Scripture is Matthew 1:23: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel ( which means ‘God with us’).” (NIV) When I think of Christmas, I think of the word ‘together’: eating together, laughing together, spending time together. But there is also something else that most of us probably think about when we think of Christmas: gifts. When I was a child, I couldn’t wait to unwrap the gifts that were under the tree to see what was inside. When no one was watching, I would pick up each gift and give it a shake or carefully feel the wrapping paper to see if I could identify what it could possibly be. The tradition of gift-giving revolves around love. We give gifts to the ones we love, and we give them things we know they will love. As Christians, Christmas is a time when we reflect on the greatest gift we have ever received, as captured in the Scriptures above: God’s only Son, Jesus. The amazing thing about this gift is that God not only gave it to us out of His love for us but also to teach us about love. He did this in the most personal way possible. God didn’t love us from a distance. He gave us His Son to come and live among us so that Jesus could set an example of what it looks like to love one another and how to love the Lord. He made the ultimate sacrifice to become part of our world. What’s more, there are no conditions attached to this gift. We can choose when we want to open the gift and claim it for ourselves. There are no limits – it never expires. And everyone’s included – no exceptions. This gift is also the most valuable gift we can ever receive. It’s a life-changing gift because it has the power to take away our sins and to re-establish our relationship with the Lord the way He intended it to be, to restore it to the perfect relationship God had with Adam and Eve before the fall. No other gift will ever have a more costly price tag, and no other gift is more important or precious. The question is: how can you show your appreciation for this gift this festive season in what you give your spouse? You could easily walk into a shop and buy a gift. It will take a bit of time to find the right gift and it will cost you some money. But you’ll earn more money to replace what you’ve spent, and the gift will likely only be used and admired for a limited time. Here’s a thought: what if you give each other a gift this Christmas that is modeled on the gift God gave you and the example set by Jesus? I challenge you to give a gift out of yourself. This reminds me of a story I once read. In 1994, two missionaries in Moscow told the story of Christmas to a group of children in an orphanage. The children had been abused and abandoned and had never heard the story of Christmas. They were entranced, hanging on to the missionaries’ every word. To complete the story, each child was given some cardboard to make a manger, a piece of yellow paper to be torn into strips and placed in the manger as straw, and a piece of felt in the shape of a doll to represent baby Jesus. One of the missionaries noticed that Yuri, who was about 6 years old, had two babies in his manger. When asked about this, Yuri repeated the story of Jesus’s birth. But when he came to the part where Mary placed baby Jesus in the manger, he said. “And when Mary laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked if I had a place to stay. I told him I don’t have a dad and a mum, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him. But I told him I couldn’t because I did not have a gift to give him like everybody else did, even though I wanted so badly to stay with Jesus. I thought about what I could give him, and I asked Jesus: ‘If I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift?’ Jesus answered, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me’. So, I got into the manger.  And then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him for always.” Once Yuri finished his story, tears welled up in his eyes and he started sobbing. Because even though he felt he didn’t have much to give, someone had given him the most precious gift he could have asked for, a place to belong, for always. It was the one thing he needed and yearned for more than anything else. However, what Yuri didn’t realise is that he also gave the biggest gift he could possibly give: himself. I want to challenge you and your spouse to spend time with the Lord to find out what He wants you to give each other this Christmas. It could be as simple as a proper embrace – if you haven’t held each other in a very long time. It could be a word of forgiveness, or a word

“Gathered around the table, stories are told, memories are created, and love is abundantly grown.”         The Heaping Harvest In Psalm 23, the Lord speaks about a table where He will prepare a feast for us. You may not know this, but this table is significant in relation to our marriages. Let me explain. When a couple gets married, they form a new unit and entity. This united entity can be compared to the table the Lord prepares for us.  The table represents the place where God wants to spend time with us as married couples, sharing His heart. His deepest desire is to walk with you and your spouse the way He did with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He wants to teach you about married life and  Him. Importantly, He wants to have these conversations in a place of connection and relaxation. A table is such a place. A place where we sit down to spend time with one another, where we focus only on one another, away from all distractions. God is inviting you as a married couple: “Come and sit down at the table I have prepared for you, I want to spend time with you.” So, what happens when you and your partner join God at this table?*You will start to focus more on Him as a couple.*You will be transformed more and more to the likeness of the Lord. The more time you spend with Him, the more you will reflect on Him.*You will strengthen your commitment and dedication to Him.*You will be able to move on from the past and start a new journey.*Your relationship with one another will deepen and strengthen.*You will grow in your faith.*You will have more hope.*Your lives will become more intertwined with God: His plans, desires, and passions will become yours. When you sit together at God’s table, He will prepare you for the times to come. He will plant His vision in your hearts. Soon, you will realise that this life and your earthly marriage merely point to the marriage between the Lamb and the Bride that is yet to come, when Jesus returns. As you see and experience His love and unity at the table, you will start to understand that your marriage is not only for you and your spouse but for the expansion of the Kingdom of God. You will realise that marriage means to, let go of what is important to you, and that sacrifice stands central to marriage. The table you share with God will become a light in the dark world and people will be drawn to it. In this way, your marriage becomes the vessel through which the Lord shows His unfathomable love to a broken and desperate world. Furthermore, if you spend time with Him in this way as a couple, you will be blessed in the way He seems best. Then, out of this position of abundance you will be encouraged to bless others. This is exactly what He wants us to do. A marriage cultivated and pruned at God’s table can become the voice calling the lost and anyone who’s strayed from God into a relationship with the Host at the table. Why wouldn’t you want to accept such an invitation? Questions to think and talk about:1. Are you spending time as a couple at the table of the Lord? If not, what’s keeping you? 2. If you are, what are the three most important things that you have learned as a couple at the Lord’s table? How can you spend more time at the table?3. In what way is your marriage reflecting the marriage that is to come?

“To get connection back, we have to identify when and why we lost it in the first place.”                       Deepspirituality.net In my work as a marriage counselor, I have come across many couples who have developed an emotional disconnect in their relationship. This type of disconnect does not happen overnight – it develops over time. Traumatic events can also lead to severe and immediate disconnect, but that is the exception. One of the main reasons why couples get disconnected emotionally is that they start taking each other for granted. The busyness of life plays a role in this – most couples aren’t even aware that they’re beginning to take one another for granted, and they don’t make intentional, proactive adjustments to change that. Other factors that can contribute to emotional disconnect are treating one another harshly or disrespectfully, a lack of effort in the relationship, unforgiveness, not making time for one another, not following through on relationship challenges or problems that you are facing, and even denying that there are any challenges. The problem is that if you don’t address this state of emotional disconnect, you risk experiencing disconnection on all levels of your relationship. In the process, you create a huge chasm between you and your partner that is very hard to bridge. Eventually, your life together becomes like that of two housemates, instead of a loving couple. So, how do you avoid getting to this point? The first thing to do is to acknowledge and agree that there is a disconnect. The next step is to unpack the details together: what is causing the disconnect, when it started, how it is affecting your relationship, and what you can change to meet each other’s unmet needs. Make time to talk this through. But before you step into the conversation, do some self-reflection first – in what way have you contributed to this state of disconnect? Be clear on what you want to say and carefully consider how you are going to say it. Importantly, take responsibility for your role in the situation.  It’s vital that you are completely honest and transparent with one another when you have this conversation. If you hide your true feelings, you won’t be able to successfully address the problem. It will take effort, and it might even feel unnatural, depending on how far along the road of emotional disconnect you are. However, it’s vital that you press through and don’t hold back. After your initial conversation, you have to make an intentional effort to re-connect regularly to make sure you follow through on what you agreed on and are making progress.  Pray regularly together during this whole process and be obedient to what you hear from the Lord. Questions to think and talk about:

“The Bible insists that joy is more than a feeling: it’s an action. We don’t just sense joy; we embody it by how we respond to the circumstances before us.”                       Margaret Feinberg The past few years – yes, years – I have struggled to understand the concept of joy. Although the Word of God refers to joy numerous times, I somehow still struggled to grasp it. Even more convicting, I didn’t always experience the joy the Bible speaks of in my everyday life, and I wasn’t sure what to do to get it. After studying the Word, I realised that joyfulness as the Bible describes it does not refer to simply being happy or glad. It runs much deeper than that. Biblical joy is joy that infiltrates every aspect of your existence, including your marriage. It is not dependent on circumstances, events or actions, and it cannot be quenched. In Psalm 4:7 it is written: “You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.”(NIV – study Bible). The emphasis in this verse is on the word ‘heart’. The heart is the centre of the human spirit and the source of our emotions, thoughts, motivations, and actions, and therefore the place where our joy originates and resides. Proverbs 4:23 says that we must guard our hearts, since it is the wellspring of life. The purpose of a spring is to sustain whatever is stored in it. Importantly, it can only bring forth what is stored within. If what it contains is good, it will bring forth good, and if evil, it will bring forth evil. We are the guardians of our wellspring. It’s our responsibility to ensure that the contents of our wellspring – our heart – do not become contaminated. So, how do we fill our hearts with joy? This is where obedience to God comes in. Psalm 19:8 says, “The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.” (NIV). In other words, if we keep God’s commandments and align our lives with what the Word says, we will experience joy. Over time, we build up a reservoir of joy in our hearts that brings light to our lives. This realisation brought me to the conclusion that the joy that is spoken of in the Bible is not of this world. Nothing or no one in the world can give us the everlasting joy of God’s Word. And no substitute that the world may offer comes close to it. Pure joy comes directly from God. To experience this joy, it’s vital that you engage with, meditate on, and obey God’s Word regularly. When you do this, you will fill the wellspring of your heart with Godly thoughts and desires. What’s more, the Holy Spirit will help you retrieve and draw strength from this stored-up knowledge to face life with confidence. As it is written in Nehemia 8:10 “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Biblical joy is rooted in the realisation that through Him we already have victory – not victory as the world may see it, but victory in heaven’s eyes. It’s the type of joy that makes us feel safe and protected, providing a refuge from which we can do life. In what way does all of this influence your marriage? To sustain joy in your marriage, you need to learn, obey and store up God’s commands relating to marriage. After all, as the Designer of marriage, God knows what your marriage needs to flourish. This may sound like work and effort, and it is. But not in the way you may think. The ‘work’ is simply to let go, sit down at the feet of the Designer, and listen to what He has to say about marriage – how you must speak to and of one another, how to act towards your spouse when you feel you’ve been wronged, how to do deal with life’s challenges together. Then, you must guard this knowledge so that it does not get contaminated with what the world says your marriage must be like. In other words, it’s about listening, being obedient and guarding. When you do this, you’ll experience joy in your marriage, even when things aren’t perfect – and as we all know, they seldom are. True joy has nothing to do with your own strength and knowledge. It’s all about God and allowing Him to shape all your thoughts and actions through His Word. When you do this, the joy of God will spill into every aspect of your life, including your marriage.  Questions to think and talk about:

“Always remember, your focus determines your reality.”                                              George Lucas I recently listened to an interview where the person who was being interviewed said that there’s a fool and a king in all of us. Whether the fool or the king responds, depends on who you are talking to. Naturally, all of us want others to see the king or queen in us. We want to be perceived as someone who adds value and makes a positive contribution. When others recognise and acknowledge the good in us, it’s much easier to believe that we are able and have a meaningful purpose in life. This concept is central to the Christian life. Even before you were born, the Lord has set out a plan and purpose for your life. This plan is inherently good. It involves that which is best for you according to God’s perfect knowledge (not your limited human knowledge) and makes you become the best version of yourself. It enables you to step into your role and identity of being a child of the ultimate and everlasting King. Practically, this requires having a close, personal relationship with God, walking with Him daily and yielding to His instructions and guidance. When you do that, you bring out the king or queen within yourself. Satan, however, wants you to believe that you’re not worthy so that you become less effective in whatever you put your hands and mind to. He wants you to focus on your shortcomings and failures, to the extent that you end up believing you’re not good enough and that you don’t add any value. He wants you to believe you’re a fool.  When you fall for the enemy’s lies, you’re not stepping into your purpose. What’s more, because you focus on the negative things within you, you also focus on your partner’s inadequacies, turning both of you into fools. This gives Satan a lot of satisfaction – dis-empowering us to fulfill our purpose is exactly what he wants. That’s why you have a responsibility in marriage to also call out God’s plan over each other by focusing on the king or queen in your partner. Now, talking to the fool within yourself and your spouse can easily become a habit. This is where it becomes very dangerous because these fools then become the main characters in your life story. As children of God, you have to actively fight these lies from the enemy. You do this by directing your time and energy to the one and only King and His kingdom. The Lord tells us to focus our attention on the things that are above, things that are not of this world: “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” (Colossians 3:2 NIV). When you do this, you see things from God’s perspective – including yourself and the person you are doing life with. As a result, you’ll be able to talk to the king or queen in your spouse.  The first step is to make an intentional choice to focus on the king or queen in your partner.  Ask the Lord to show you all the positive attributes and character traits of your spouse and to help you become more aware of these as you do life together. When both of you focus on the king or queen within the other, the way you think about and act towards each other will start to change. Your marriage will reap the fruits of transformation – fruit fit for a king and queen. Make the choice today to see and talk to the king or queen in your partner. Questions to think and talk about:1. What is holding you back from seeing the king or queen in each other?2. How can you address these obstacles?3. Take turns to name each other’s best qualities and character traits, including specific things the other has done in the past or regularly do that add value.