Author name: Lian Smit

I would like to talk to you about Christmas and about what the message of Christmas means in marriage. There are two Scriptures that I want to reflect on to set the scene. The first is Luke 2:10-11, where it is written: “But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” (NIV) The other Scripture is Matthew 1:23: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel ( which means ‘God with us’).” (NIV) When I think of Christmas, I think of the word ‘together’: eating together, laughing together, spending time together. But there is also something else that most of us probably think about when we think of Christmas: gifts. When I was a child, I couldn’t wait to unwrap the gifts that were under the tree to see what was inside. When no one was watching, I would pick up each gift and give it a shake or carefully feel the wrapping paper to see if I could identify what it could possibly be. The tradition of gift-giving revolves around love. We give gifts to the ones we love, and we give them things we know they will love. As Christians, Christmas is a time when we reflect on the greatest gift we have ever received, as captured in the Scriptures above: God’s only Son, Jesus. The amazing thing about this gift is that God not only gave it to us out of His love for us but also to teach us about love. He did this in the most personal way possible. God didn’t love us from a distance. He gave us His Son to come and live among us so that Jesus could set an example of what it looks like to love one another and how to love the Lord. He made the ultimate sacrifice to become part of our world. What’s more, there are no conditions attached to this gift. We can choose when we want to open the gift and claim it for ourselves. There are no limits – it never expires. And everyone’s included – no exceptions. This gift is also the most valuable gift we can ever receive. It’s a life-changing gift because it has the power to take away our sins and to re-establish our relationship with the Lord the way He intended it to be, to restore it to the perfect relationship God had with Adam and Eve before the fall. No other gift will ever have a more costly price tag, and no other gift is more important or precious. The question is: how can you show your appreciation for this gift this festive season in what you give your spouse? You could easily walk into a shop and buy a gift. It will take a bit of time to find the right gift and it will cost you some money. But you’ll earn more money to replace what you’ve spent, and the gift will likely only be used and admired for a limited time. Here’s a thought: what if you give each other a gift this Christmas that is modeled on the gift God gave you and the example set by Jesus? I challenge you to give a gift out of yourself. This reminds me of a story I once read. In 1994, two missionaries in Moscow told the story of Christmas to a group of children in an orphanage. The children had been abused and abandoned and had never heard the story of Christmas. They were entranced, hanging on to the missionaries’ every word. To complete the story, each child was given some cardboard to make a manger, a piece of yellow paper to be torn into strips and placed in the manger as straw, and a piece of felt in the shape of a doll to represent baby Jesus. One of the missionaries noticed that Yuri, who was about 6 years old, had two babies in his manger. When asked about this, Yuri repeated the story of Jesus’s birth. But when he came to the part where Mary placed baby Jesus in the manger, he said. “And when Mary laid the baby in the manger, Jesus looked at me and asked if I had a place to stay. I told him I don’t have a dad and a mum, so I don’t have a place to stay. Then Jesus told me I could stay with him. But I told him I couldn’t because I did not have a gift to give him like everybody else did, even though I wanted so badly to stay with Jesus. I thought about what I could give him, and I asked Jesus: ‘If I keep you warm, will that be a good enough gift?’ Jesus answered, ‘If you keep me warm, that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me’. So, I got into the manger.  And then Jesus looked at me and he told me that I could stay with him for always.” Once Yuri finished his story, tears welled up in his eyes and he started sobbing. Because even though he felt he didn’t have much to give, someone had given him the most precious gift he could have asked for, a place to belong, for always. It was the one thing he needed and yearned for more than anything else. However, what Yuri didn’t realise is that he also gave the biggest gift he could possibly give: himself. I want to challenge you and your spouse to spend time with the Lord to find out what He wants you to give each other this Christmas. It could be as simple as a proper embrace – if you haven’t held each other in a very long time. It could be a word of forgiveness, or a word

“Gathered around the table, stories are told, memories are created, and love is abundantly grown.”         The Heaping Harvest In Psalm 23, the Lord speaks about a table where He will prepare a feast for us. You may not know this, but this table is significant in relation to our marriages. Let me explain. When a couple gets married, they form a new unit and entity. This united entity can be compared to the table the Lord prepares for us.  The table represents the place where God wants to spend time with us as married couples, sharing His heart. His deepest desire is to walk with you and your spouse the way He did with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He wants to teach you about married life and  Him. Importantly, He wants to have these conversations in a place of connection and relaxation. A table is such a place. A place where we sit down to spend time with one another, where we focus only on one another, away from all distractions. God is inviting you as a married couple: “Come and sit down at the table I have prepared for you, I want to spend time with you.” So, what happens when you and your partner join God at this table?*You will start to focus more on Him as a couple.*You will be transformed more and more to the likeness of the Lord. The more time you spend with Him, the more you will reflect on Him.*You will strengthen your commitment and dedication to Him.*You will be able to move on from the past and start a new journey.*Your relationship with one another will deepen and strengthen.*You will grow in your faith.*You will have more hope.*Your lives will become more intertwined with God: His plans, desires, and passions will become yours. When you sit together at God’s table, He will prepare you for the times to come. He will plant His vision in your hearts. Soon, you will realise that this life and your earthly marriage merely point to the marriage between the Lamb and the Bride that is yet to come, when Jesus returns. As you see and experience His love and unity at the table, you will start to understand that your marriage is not only for you and your spouse but for the expansion of the Kingdom of God. You will realise that marriage means to, let go of what is important to you, and that sacrifice stands central to marriage. The table you share with God will become a light in the dark world and people will be drawn to it. In this way, your marriage becomes the vessel through which the Lord shows His unfathomable love to a broken and desperate world. Furthermore, if you spend time with Him in this way as a couple, you will be blessed in the way He seems best. Then, out of this position of abundance you will be encouraged to bless others. This is exactly what He wants us to do. A marriage cultivated and pruned at God’s table can become the voice calling the lost and anyone who’s strayed from God into a relationship with the Host at the table. Why wouldn’t you want to accept such an invitation? Questions to think and talk about:1. Are you spending time as a couple at the table of the Lord? If not, what’s keeping you? 2. If you are, what are the three most important things that you have learned as a couple at the Lord’s table? How can you spend more time at the table?3. In what way is your marriage reflecting the marriage that is to come?

“To get connection back, we have to identify when and why we lost it in the first place.”                       Deepspirituality.net In my work as a marriage counselor, I have come across many couples who have developed an emotional disconnect in their relationship. This type of disconnect does not happen overnight – it develops over time. Traumatic events can also lead to severe and immediate disconnect, but that is the exception. One of the main reasons why couples get disconnected emotionally is that they start taking each other for granted. The busyness of life plays a role in this – most couples aren’t even aware that they’re beginning to take one another for granted, and they don’t make intentional, proactive adjustments to change that. Other factors that can contribute to emotional disconnect are treating one another harshly or disrespectfully, a lack of effort in the relationship, unforgiveness, not making time for one another, not following through on relationship challenges or problems that you are facing, and even denying that there are any challenges. The problem is that if you don’t address this state of emotional disconnect, you risk experiencing disconnection on all levels of your relationship. In the process, you create a huge chasm between you and your partner that is very hard to bridge. Eventually, your life together becomes like that of two housemates, instead of a loving couple. So, how do you avoid getting to this point? The first thing to do is to acknowledge and agree that there is a disconnect. The next step is to unpack the details together: what is causing the disconnect, when it started, how it is affecting your relationship, and what you can change to meet each other’s unmet needs. Make time to talk this through. But before you step into the conversation, do some self-reflection first – in what way have you contributed to this state of disconnect? Be clear on what you want to say and carefully consider how you are going to say it. Importantly, take responsibility for your role in the situation.  It’s vital that you are completely honest and transparent with one another when you have this conversation. If you hide your true feelings, you won’t be able to successfully address the problem. It will take effort, and it might even feel unnatural, depending on how far along the road of emotional disconnect you are. However, it’s vital that you press through and don’t hold back. After your initial conversation, you have to make an intentional effort to re-connect regularly to make sure you follow through on what you agreed on and are making progress.  Pray regularly together during this whole process and be obedient to what you hear from the Lord. Questions to think and talk about:

“The Bible insists that joy is more than a feeling: it’s an action. We don’t just sense joy; we embody it by how we respond to the circumstances before us.”                       Margaret Feinberg The past few years – yes, years – I have struggled to understand the concept of joy. Although the Word of God refers to joy numerous times, I somehow still struggled to grasp it. Even more convicting, I didn’t always experience the joy the Bible speaks of in my everyday life, and I wasn’t sure what to do to get it. After studying the Word, I realised that joyfulness as the Bible describes it does not refer to simply being happy or glad. It runs much deeper than that. Biblical joy is joy that infiltrates every aspect of your existence, including your marriage. It is not dependent on circumstances, events or actions, and it cannot be quenched. In Psalm 4:7 it is written: “You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.”(NIV – study Bible). The emphasis in this verse is on the word ‘heart’. The heart is the centre of the human spirit and the source of our emotions, thoughts, motivations, and actions, and therefore the place where our joy originates and resides. Proverbs 4:23 says that we must guard our hearts, since it is the wellspring of life. The purpose of a spring is to sustain whatever is stored in it. Importantly, it can only bring forth what is stored within. If what it contains is good, it will bring forth good, and if evil, it will bring forth evil. We are the guardians of our wellspring. It’s our responsibility to ensure that the contents of our wellspring – our heart – do not become contaminated. So, how do we fill our hearts with joy? This is where obedience to God comes in. Psalm 19:8 says, “The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.” (NIV). In other words, if we keep God’s commandments and align our lives with what the Word says, we will experience joy. Over time, we build up a reservoir of joy in our hearts that brings light to our lives. This realisation brought me to the conclusion that the joy that is spoken of in the Bible is not of this world. Nothing or no one in the world can give us the everlasting joy of God’s Word. And no substitute that the world may offer comes close to it. Pure joy comes directly from God. To experience this joy, it’s vital that you engage with, meditate on, and obey God’s Word regularly. When you do this, you will fill the wellspring of your heart with Godly thoughts and desires. What’s more, the Holy Spirit will help you retrieve and draw strength from this stored-up knowledge to face life with confidence. As it is written in Nehemia 8:10 “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Biblical joy is rooted in the realisation that through Him we already have victory – not victory as the world may see it, but victory in heaven’s eyes. It’s the type of joy that makes us feel safe and protected, providing a refuge from which we can do life. In what way does all of this influence your marriage? To sustain joy in your marriage, you need to learn, obey and store up God’s commands relating to marriage. After all, as the Designer of marriage, God knows what your marriage needs to flourish. This may sound like work and effort, and it is. But not in the way you may think. The ‘work’ is simply to let go, sit down at the feet of the Designer, and listen to what He has to say about marriage – how you must speak to and of one another, how to act towards your spouse when you feel you’ve been wronged, how to do deal with life’s challenges together. Then, you must guard this knowledge so that it does not get contaminated with what the world says your marriage must be like. In other words, it’s about listening, being obedient and guarding. When you do this, you’ll experience joy in your marriage, even when things aren’t perfect – and as we all know, they seldom are. True joy has nothing to do with your own strength and knowledge. It’s all about God and allowing Him to shape all your thoughts and actions through His Word. When you do this, the joy of God will spill into every aspect of your life, including your marriage.  Questions to think and talk about:

“Always remember, your focus determines your reality.”                                              George Lucas I recently listened to an interview where the person who was being interviewed said that there’s a fool and a king in all of us. Whether the fool or the king responds, depends on who you are talking to. Naturally, all of us want others to see the king or queen in us. We want to be perceived as someone who adds value and makes a positive contribution. When others recognise and acknowledge the good in us, it’s much easier to believe that we are able and have a meaningful purpose in life. This concept is central to the Christian life. Even before you were born, the Lord has set out a plan and purpose for your life. This plan is inherently good. It involves that which is best for you according to God’s perfect knowledge (not your limited human knowledge) and makes you become the best version of yourself. It enables you to step into your role and identity of being a child of the ultimate and everlasting King. Practically, this requires having a close, personal relationship with God, walking with Him daily and yielding to His instructions and guidance. When you do that, you bring out the king or queen within yourself. Satan, however, wants you to believe that you’re not worthy so that you become less effective in whatever you put your hands and mind to. He wants you to focus on your shortcomings and failures, to the extent that you end up believing you’re not good enough and that you don’t add any value. He wants you to believe you’re a fool.  When you fall for the enemy’s lies, you’re not stepping into your purpose. What’s more, because you focus on the negative things within you, you also focus on your partner’s inadequacies, turning both of you into fools. This gives Satan a lot of satisfaction – dis-empowering us to fulfill our purpose is exactly what he wants. That’s why you have a responsibility in marriage to also call out God’s plan over each other by focusing on the king or queen in your partner. Now, talking to the fool within yourself and your spouse can easily become a habit. This is where it becomes very dangerous because these fools then become the main characters in your life story. As children of God, you have to actively fight these lies from the enemy. You do this by directing your time and energy to the one and only King and His kingdom. The Lord tells us to focus our attention on the things that are above, things that are not of this world: “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” (Colossians 3:2 NIV). When you do this, you see things from God’s perspective – including yourself and the person you are doing life with. As a result, you’ll be able to talk to the king or queen in your spouse.  The first step is to make an intentional choice to focus on the king or queen in your partner.  Ask the Lord to show you all the positive attributes and character traits of your spouse and to help you become more aware of these as you do life together. When both of you focus on the king or queen within the other, the way you think about and act towards each other will start to change. Your marriage will reap the fruits of transformation – fruit fit for a king and queen. Make the choice today to see and talk to the king or queen in your partner. Questions to think and talk about:1. What is holding you back from seeing the king or queen in each other?2. How can you address these obstacles?3. Take turns to name each other’s best qualities and character traits, including specific things the other has done in the past or regularly do that add value.

“The Lord continued His teaching on the matter of authority. He called His disciples together and instructed them about future things in glory. He said that, among the Gentiles, men seek for authority in order that they may rule over others. It is good for us to seek for the future glory, but we ought not have the thought of ruling or lording it over God’s children. To do so would cause us to fall into the state of the Gentiles. To exercise authority and to rule are the desires of the Gentiles. Such a spirit must be driven from the church. Those whom the Lord uses are the ones who know the Lord’s cup and the Lord’s baptism.”                            Watchman Nee, Spiritual Authority Over the past few weeks, I’ve been confronted with the concept of authority. Where does my authority come from? How much authority do I have and over what and whom? How do I exercise this authority in a Biblical way? When we look at God’s Word, we see that having and asserting authority has been part of our humanness from the very beginning. In Genesis 1:26, God said: “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule…” (NASB). In other words, God intended for us to have authority and to use it to the benefit of His creation. However, as we often do as humans, we have distorted and abused this gift. We have decided that if we have authority, we don’t have to submit to authority. Nothing could be further from the truth. When God decreed that we should rule His creation, He didn’t mean we no longer need to submit to His authority. He shared authority with us as part of His desire to have a relationship and enjoy fellowship with us as His children. However, God was, is, and always will be the final authority. Adam and Eve did not fully comprehend this truth – which is why they fell for the trap that Satan set them. By calling into question God’s instruction regarding the trees in the Garden of Eden, Satan directly opposed God’s authority. Ironically, Eve did take Satan’s suggestion to her authority, Adam. However, instead of taking it to God as their ultimate authority – together with Eve – Adam decided to draw his own conclusion, encouraged by Eve. The fruit of this was separation from God. When we step away from God’s authority, the only authority left is our own and that of the evil one. As Christians, we can usually discern between good and evil, which means that most of the time, we do not choose the authority of the evil one. The problem is that we still often choose our authority above God’s authority. We see ourselves as the answer. Our wisdom and reasoning become the weapon we use to navigate our lives and relationships and fight our battles. However, because we are only fallible human beings, this weapon is limited. When both spouses in a marriage relationship choose their own authorities, these two authorities come in conflict, because without God’s insight and direction, both parties become extremely self-centred. So, how should we think about authority as Christians? Going back to the Word, we see that the authority over every power and principality lies under the feet of Jesus, as mandated by God Himself: “And God placed all things under His feet and appointed Him to be head over everything…” (Ephesians 1:22 NIV). In Ephesians 2:6-7(a), Paul extends this authority to those who follow Jesus: “And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus…” (NIV). To fully grasp what this means, we need to understand that we are hidden in Christ, as stated in Colossians 3:3 – “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.” (NIV) We therefore have authority because of Christ and not because of our own strength and wisdom. When both you and your spouse are hidden in Christ, you have a merged authority in Him. This means you can pray together with authority and act with authority. Nothing can stand against this merged authority that is rooted in God Himself. Any challenge you face as a couple must bow the knee to the King of Kings – the problem or obstacle does not rule you and it certainly does not have the last say in your marriage. By drawing on the authority you have in Christ you can overcome any trial in your marriage. The story of the Roman centurion who came to Jesus for help illustrates that even Gentiles at times recognise Jesus’s authority. The centurion didn’t want  Jesus to come to his house – he said Jesus must simply say the word and his servant will be healed. The reason why he said what he said is that he acknowledged Jesus’ authority, even though he was a Gentile and, importantly, in a high position of authority himself in the Roman government. (View the clip from “The Chosen”: https://youtu.be/NxuoOU4O3AY If a Roman centurion can bow to Jesus, how much more should we do this as born-again believers and followers of Jesus? Questions to think and talk about: 1. As a couple, do you have a victim’s or an overcomer’s mentality when you face challenges in your marriage or as individuals?2. What can you do to make sure that you stay under the authority of Jesus?3. To what things have you wrongly given authority in your marriage? Step into the authority of Christ and allow Him to show you that these things are now under His (and therefore your) feet. 

“And on the seventh day God finished His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.”                                                Genesis 2:2 (NKJV). In the fourth of the ten commandments, as captured in Exodus 20:8-10, God instructs us to keep the Sabbath day holy: “Six days you shall labour and do all your work but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God: in it you shall not do any work…” (NASB).  In our Western culture, we don’t really pay much attention to this command. In fact we’re doing the opposite of what God instructs us to do. We use every opportunity we can to be busy. When someone asks us how we’re doing, our first reaction is often to explain how busy we are, as if it’s an accomplishment. Constantly being busy might be admirable in the eyes of the world, but not in the eyes of the Lord. As our Creator, God knows best what we need. We are made in His image, and He rested after He had finished His work. Having regular times of rest is woven into our DNA. For us to be the people God made us to be, rest is essential – it’s not a luxury. However. many people run on empty, not realising that their burnout comes from overworking and overachieving, often to impress people. Yet, as Christians, our main purpose is to please and glorify God.  The only way in which we can do this is by obeying His words and instructions. The Hebrew word for Sabbath means “to cease”, in other words, literally to stop or to quit. This begs the question: what are we stopping? Simply, our daily work and usual comings and goings. In other words, our focus on the Sabbath should not be on reaching goals and ticking off a to-do list. Our focus should be to rest and enjoy what God has given us so that we can feel rejuvenated. So, what does this look like in practice? It means that we have to refill the tanks on which our lives and relationships run, of which there are four: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. They work together to enable us to achieve what we need to. To refill these tanks, we must do things differently on the Sabbath to what we do in the week in all four areas. Here are a few examples: Physical: Go for a walk and simply enjoy the scenery. Try to avoid driving anywhere, unless you have to, in order to get to a peaceful place to walk.Mental: Watch a movie or read a book.Emotional: Spend quality time with your loved ones – your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, close friends. Spiritual: Meditate on God and soak up His presence. To quiet your mind, you can listen to worship music, read Scripture or pray out loud – whatever works for you. While these are great examples of what you can do as an individual, what about having Sabbath as a couple? In the context of marriage, the Sabbath offers a wonderful opportunity to grow in your relationship and focus on the present. To get in the right mindset, it’s important that you first intentionally forgive one another for anything that happened during the previous week. Then you can focus on refilling your tanks together: Physical: Start the day slow and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea together in bed. Cook your Sabbath meal the day before to free up time, then take a walk together or go have a picnic. Avoid running any errands or doing strenuous work.Mental: Watch a movie or series you both love, together. Play a board game or complete a crossword puzzle.Emotional: In addition to time with your children and family, make sure you spend quality time alone with one another. Consider doing a couple’s quiz – these quizzes not only offer the opportunity to learn new things about one another; it can also be fun.Spiritual: Pray together and for each other. If you’re unable to attend church, listen to a sermon together, or have communion. Remember that the purpose of the Sabbath is to renew your strength, so it’s vital that you do things that energise you. For example, if cooking a meal together is something you love to do but never get a chance to do in the week, that might be the best way for you to spend quality time as a couple. ( Just make sure you get everything you need the day before!) And remember to laugh and enjoy one another’s company, free from the strain of any challenges or problems you’re facing. Honouring the Sabbath will shift your focus away from the busyness of everyday life to your Lord and Creator and enable you – as individuals and as a couple- to become who He intended you to be. Listen to the podcast about The Sabbath and Marriage in Afrikaans:https://iono.fm/e/1456920 Questions to think and talk about:1. What is keeping us from having a Sabbath day?2. How can this benefit us as individuals and as a couple?3. What are some practical examples of things we can do to fill the four tanks?

I recently stumbled upon an article where the authors commented on numerous quotes relating to forgiveness. Many of the quotes contained valuable snippets of wisdom and inspired me to share my thoughts on some of them.  “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”  Unknown If you choose to hold on to the wrongs that were done to you – either by your spouse or someone else – you will remain stuck in a place of bitterness and resentfulness. The pain that you’re experiencing at that moment will become your reality and eventually your identity. You won’t be able to move forward but will live in the past, with the idea of a better future only a distant concept.  It’s important to realise that by letting go and moving on you’re not saying that what was wrong and hurtful is now right and acceptable. It wasn’t right and it never will be. Forgiveness simply frees you from the shackles of bitterness and feeling let down and gives you the ability to take control of the situation, instead of the situation controlling you.  “To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.”     Unknown Sometimes the situation that caused you pain, was so severe that you cannot stop thinking about it. However, dwelling on it has the same effect as repeatedly touching an open wound. The wound will remain painful and won’t be able to heal. Crucially, it could also get infected, leaving you even worse off. The only way to heal your hurt is to step away and allow time to do its work. This means you have to stop revisiting the situation and – just as you would apply ointment and plaster to a physical wound – take proactive steps to move out of a place of hurt and pain. If this means you need to get professional help, do that. Seek out anyone who can help you move forward and keep you accountable.  “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” Joseph F Newton This quote made me realise that every thought I hold against someone who has wronged me is a brick that I use to build a wall around myself.  I can try and justify this by saying I’m isolating myself, but that would be a lie. In reality, I’m isolating myself from other people, trapping myself with my pain. Eventually I’ll be alone with only my pain for company, cut off from others.  To heal from your past hurts, start using your bricks to build bridges instead of a wall. Reach out to people who can help you process what happened, ask God what you can learn from the situation, start to support others who may be experiencing similar hurts.  While walls isolate, bridges lead to new possibilities, partnerships, and prospects. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Robert Quillen Marriage can never be successful if unforgiveness forms part of the fabric of the relationship. As a married couple, forgiveness is a gift that you must give each other daily.  Any unforgiveness that you hold in your heart, irrespective of whether it’s about something big or small and how long you’ve held on to it, will have a negative impact on your connection as a couple. To keep your connection vibrant and growing, you must diligently put forgiveness at the top of your priority list. One of the most powerful tokens of love that you can give your spouse is forgiveness. Always remember that. You can read the full article here: https://www.marriage.com/advice/forgiveness/quotes-that-will…  Questions to think and talk about:

“The act of taking the first step is what separates the winners from the losers.”                                 Unknown                                              The concept of communication almost always comes up when discussing marriage relationships. That’s because communication is one of the critical building blocks of a successful relationship. When a marriage is in trouble or has failed, whatever the direct cause might be – financial struggles, the loss of a child, infidelity – the root of the problem can often be traced back to ineffective communication between husband and wife. Poor communication opens the door for assumptions, misunderstandings, resentment – to name only a few – to sneak into your marriage, and all of these can slowly and silently damage your relationship.   So, if you want to improve your communication as a couple, you simply need to start talking to each other more, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The problem with this approach is that the focus is simply on talking, not communicating – and there’s a big difference.  This begs the question: how do you start effective communication? The first step is to take your spouse’s person, time, and space into consideration. In practice, this means having the decency to first ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation. Most married people assume that their partner is available 24\7. That’s not true. With our limited human capacities, we’re never available on that basis. God is the only One who is available to everyone all the time. When you want to connect with other people besides your spouse – whether it’s a friend or a business partner – you check each other’s diaries and arrange a day and time to meet.  We do this out of respect for the other person and because we want them to be present when we meet up. If we can do this for other people, who are not nearly as important as our significant other, why do we expect our spouses to be available for a conversation at the drop of a hat? Now, when you ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation, you have to be prepared that there’s a chance they will say no. Don’t take the negative response personally – your partner is simply not available and you need to respect that. Respond by asking, “Okay, so when will be a good time for you to have a conversation?”. Then agree time to talk. When you arrange beforehand when you’ll get together to talk, the timing and atmosphere will be much more conductive to a fruitful conversation, because you’ll both feel that your needs and personal situations have been considered and respected. This sets the stage for a conversation where you’ll earnestly listen to one another and have the willingness and courage to share your views and thoughts.   When the initial answer to a request for having a conversation is “no”- either from you or your spouse – it’s however very important that you arrange to talk as soon as possible. If the request is postponed indefinitely, the one who asked for a conversation can easily feel that their partner is not interested in and does not value what’s important to him or her. They can feel that their reality is dismissed. To avoid this, make sure you arrange to have the conversation within the next 24 hours. Don’t make the mistake of confusing talking to another with effective communication. Make time for honest, meaningful conversations where you’re both at ease and present. I guarantee that it will transform your relationship. Questions to think and talk about:

“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”                                                               Stephen Covey You’ve probably heard this quote from the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People before. But how often have you  actually ask yourself what ‘the main thing’ is? When it comes to marriage, it’s vitally important that you know the answer to this question. There isn’t only one answer, but rather three answers that are all interlinked.  The first main thing in a healthy marriage is that your relationship must be a safe space for both partners at all times. When both you and your spouse feel safe with one another and secure in your relationship, all walls come down and trust and transparency permeate every aspect of your relationship. As a result, you’ll be much more willing to, and comfortable with discussing difficult topics, without either of you feeling the fear of being blamed, shamed, criticised, or judged. You’ll have the confidence to completely be yourselves. In such a relationship, you truly hear and see one another and become more aware of one another’s deepest needs and expectations.  These needs and expectations bring us to the other two related aspects of the main thing in marriage: the core needs of a wife and a husband respectively.  The number one need or expectation of a wife is to feel chosen. She wants to experience this special status of being the chosen one every moment of every day, with all her senses. She does not want to compete with anything or anybody for her husband’s attention and affection or have any reason to doubt his love for her. His heart belongs exclusively to her and no one else. A husband must therefore do everything he can to make sure that his wife always feels that she is his number one priority and that she can be 100% confident of his love and devotion. In reality, most husbands don’t know what this means in practice.  So, they do whatever they think is the right thing to do. However, the outcome is usually miles from what they intended.  The best approach is to ask your wife what this means for her so that you know exactly what you’re aiming for and how you can address her needs and expectations.  When it comes to a husband’s number one expectation, it boils down to him feeling that he’s wanted and adding value to the relationship. When a wife acknowledges her need for, and dependence on her husband, he feels respected and that he’s succeeding in his role as the husband in that relationship.  In a man’s mind, respect must be earned; so, if he’s not adding value or doesn’t have a purpose in the relationship, then he cannot receive respect. To find out what it is that makes your husband feel that he’s adding value and meeting his duties as the husband, ask him – and then start doing it. When you and your spouse both meet one another’s most important needs, you’ll automatically create a safe space in your relationship, which takes us back to our first point. But to meet each other’s needs in a way that makes sense to you both, it’s vital that you communicate. There’s no reason to make your partner guess or figure out what you want. That’s not how a healthy, godly marriage operates, and you’ll likely set one another up for failure. Help each other to love one another in a way that makes sense to you by talking about it. This interplay between creating safety, feeling chosen, and feeling valued is ” the main thing” in marrriage. If you prioritise and keep working at it, with Christ as the foundation, your marriage will work. Questions to think and talk about: