| “People who have great relationships, are willing to put in the work, they are willing to put in the time and effort it takes to build and sustain a relationship, and they are willing to give up ‘I’ for ‘We’. “ Dr. LaWanda N. Evans When you’re in a relationship that has lasted for years, it’s easy to take one another for granted. After all, you most likely know everything there is to know about one another. This can easily lead to a mediocre relationship where you simply co-exist, without truly being connected. So, what can you do to transform your relationship from merely existing to one that is meaningful, exciting, and passionate? How can you get your relationship back to a level where you naturally smile every time you think of each other? I want to point out seven things that I think are important for a relationship to fall into the “great” category. This is by no means an all-inclusive list – there are many more guidelines for building and maintaining a meaningful relationship. Nevertheless, for me, these seven principles are critical. Also, keep in mind that this list focuses on things you can do as a couple as you navigate everyday life – it does not intend to address the spiritual aspects of your relationship. However, this doesn’t mean that the spiritual is less important; on the contrary, it is crucial that your relationship is built on spiritual principles, like praying together, and seeking guidance from the Lord as a couple. However, today, we’re focusing on the practicalities of your day-to-day interactions. 1. Listen to one another All of us have our reality, which is based on our personality, upbringing, experiences, and many more factors. When both of you give the other space and time to live their reality, you both feel more valued and that your reality matters to your partner. You do this by truly listening to each other. This means you silence your reality when your partner speaks – you have to tell your subconsciousness that you don’t want to be reminded of all the things you want to say back at your partner. It’s a conscious choice to focus only on your partner’s reality. It doesn’t mean you ignore your feelings. When the time comes, and it is your turn to speak, you can ask questions and make comments, because then your reality is at play. You won’t be able to listen to one another if you both think your reality is more important. Acknowledge that both your realities are important and treat them as such, then the listening will follow. 2. Trust and support each other. Trust means that you can share your deepest thoughts, fears, and concerns with your partner, knowing it’s a safe space. Ultimately you’re entrusting one another with your hearts – the most significant kind of trust of all – since a person’s heart is at the centre of who they are. By entrusting someone with your heart, you’re saying that you know they will look out for you and take care of you; they will be your safe haven in a world that is inherently self-centered. When you do this, you start to know each other deeply and intimately. As a result, you’ll be in a much better position to support each other in achieving your dreams and goals, as a couple and as individuals. 3. Treat each other with respect. Respect means you see, acknowledge, and accept your partner for who they are and give them the necessary space to be that person. In addition, you cheer them on to grow, and achieve their full potential to accomplish what they should. In other words, you don’t try to change them or belittle them or their dreams; you celebrate and support their uniqueness. By respecting your partner, you’re indirectly telling them that they’re valuable to you and that you want to protect them and who God made them to be. 4. Set boundaries. This hinges on the previous point. Boundaries are there to protect. This includes boundaries within your relationship, for example, saying that you’ll never raise your voices at one another when there is conflict. You must also have boundaries that protect your relationship from external influences. These boundaries keep other people and what they say and do out of the sacredness of your marriage relationship. When there are no boundaries in a relationship, it can cause havoc. 5. Apologise – and mean it. For many of us, apologies do not come easy. But this doesn’t give you the right to hold back an apology simply because you want to be right. When you’re in the wrong and you know that you’ve acted in a way that’s not supportive of your relationship, you must apologise and rectify your actions as necessary. But don’t do it begrudgingly – an apology has to be genuine. If you give an apology only to keep the peace or even to manipulate, and nothing about your behaviour or actions change, it doesn’t mean anything. 6. Maintain balance. Life is busy. It’s a symptom of the time we live in. In juggling all the many demands, many couples fall into the trap of saying that, when there is enough time, energy, and money, then they will do something as a couple. The problem is that these three prerequisites seldom all line up at the same time. As a result, your life gets out of balance, and you both end up spending a lot more time and energy on other things – work, the kids, getting exercise – than on your relationship. In other words, your marriage drops to the bottom of your priority list. To achieve balance, you must establish what you must let go and what you need to take up, to invest in and grow your relationship. Balance means your relationship will get the priority attention it deserves, which in turn will lead to a more peaceful, joyful, and fulfilled life. 7. Have fun. Another symptom of the busy times we live in is that having a bit of fun is often the furthest thing from our minds. There are simply too many things to get done, and everything is important and urgent. However, having fun as a couple is as important as oxygen, food, and water are to survival. It gives you the opportunity to connect with one another – without the responsibilities and challenges of life being the main topic of discussion. In addition, when you have fun, ‘feel-good’ hormones are released into your bloodstream, which further supports the feeling of connectedness and intimacy. While these seven things can play a significant part in revitalising your relationship, every couple is different, which is why it’s also important to consider your specific relationship needs and challenges. Questions to think and talk about: 1. Where do you stand as a couple in terms of the seven things mentioned in this article? Where are you doing well and where can you improve? 2. What is your biggest challenge to becoming a “great” couple? 3. Do you tend to do life more as individuals or as a couple? What is the reason for your answer? Regards Kobus Pauw Connection Impact |
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