“He who asks a question remains a fool for five minutes. He who does not ask remains a fool forever.”
Chinese Proverb
We all want our bond with our spouse to become stronger over time. However, we also know that this doesn’t happen by chance. To grow closer to one another and strengthen your relationship you must be intentional.
One of the ways to grow the level of intimacy and connection in your relationship is to ask one another insightful questions. Here are a few examples:
1. “What do you think the future holds for us?” Or “Where do you see us in 5 or 10 years from now?”
These questions help you to focus on the future, instead of on the past, which you can’t change or influence in any case. It provides the opportunity to resurrect forgotten goals and dreams and to come up with new goals together. It can be very energising to be reminded that there is so much more to experience than the here and now. In addition to your future as a couple, you can also ask each other about your individual goals, for example, “What are the specific things that you would like to do or experience before you die?” Create a bucket list and talk about how you will achieve your goals and how you can support one another in reaching your individual goals. The graveyard is full of unrealised dreams and aspirations. Don’t allow your dreams to be buried with you one day. Live them now!
2. “What can I do to be a better support for you?”
This question touches on your respective needs in the relationship. We often get so busy that we lose touch with what our partner’s specific needs are. If you know what your partner needs you can meet their needs in a way that makes them feel valued, cherished, and loved. When your spouse does the same for you, you will also feel valued. As opposed to future hopes and dreams, meeting one another’s needs will have an immediate, practical impact on your daily life. For example, if it’s important to your partner to have half an hour of quality time together in the evening to talk together about the day, you will adjust your routine as a couple accordingly. As a result, your connection with one another will strengthen in a very tangible and measurable way.
3. “What can we do to improve our communication?”
At the heart of this question is the reminder and realisation that there are two different realities in a relationship, and that the only way to discover and unpack your partner’s reality is through effective, meaningful communication. If your communication is poor, chances are that both of you will feel unseen, unheard, unvalued, and misunderstood. By identifying any shortfalls in your communication and establishing certain techniques or habits that can help improve your communication, you’ll be more likely to deal effectively with any challenge that crosses your path, irrespective of your differences.
4. “How can we help each other become better versions of who we are?”
This is strongly linked to self-care – those things that you need personally in order to feel energised, inspired, rested, and at peace; ultimately, to be the person you were made to be. If you have a good understanding of what these things are for your partner – and they for you – you can create an environment that enables and encourages these things, allowing one another to flourish. The natural consequence of feeling good about oneself is that you are more likely and willing to serve others, including your spouse. This supportive, encouraging environment is exactly what couples in today’s high pressured world need.
5. “What obstacles do we experience in our relationship and how can we overcome these?”
By being open and honest about the challenges in your relationship, you become more aware of, and more intentional in addressing issues. Facing your frustrations head-on means negative thoughts and experiences don’t have time to accumulate and escalate over time. An obstacle is a valuable opportunity to grow closer to one another – if you have courage to deal with it together. What at one point might have been unpleasant or even painful, can therefore actually increase the strength and happiness of your relationship.
There are many more questions that you can discuss that will deepen the intimacy of your relationship. But the questions above are a good start. If some of these questions are particularly relevant to you as a couple and your situation, set time aside to discuss them first. I promise that it won’t be long before you’ll experience a positive impact on your relationship.