“The act of taking the first step is what separates the winners from the losers.” Unknown
The concept of communication almost always comes up when discussing marriage relationships. That’s because communication is one of the critical building blocks of a successful relationship. When a marriage is in trouble or has failed, whatever the direct cause might be – financial struggles, the loss of a child, infidelity – the root of the problem can often be traced back to ineffective communication between husband and wife. Poor communication opens the door for assumptions, misunderstandings, resentment – to name only a few – to sneak into your marriage, and all of these can slowly and silently damage your relationship.
So, if you want to improve your communication as a couple, you simply need to start talking to each other more, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The problem with this approach is that the focus is simply on talking, not communicating – and there’s a big difference.
This begs the question: how do you start effective communication? The first step is to take your spouse’s person, time, and space into consideration. In practice, this means having the decency to first ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation. Most married people assume that their partner is available 24\7. That’s not true. With our limited human capacities, we’re never available on that basis. God is the only One who is available to everyone all the time. When you want to connect with other people besides your spouse – whether it’s a friend or a business partner – you check each other’s diaries and arrange a day and time to meet. We do this out of respect for the other person and because we want them to be present when we meet up. If we can do this for other people, who are not nearly as important as our significant other, why do we expect our spouses to be available for a conversation at the drop of a hat?
Now, when you ask your spouse whether it’s a good time to have a conversation, you have to be prepared that there’s a chance they will say no. Don’t take the negative response personally – your partner is simply not available and you need to respect that. Respond by asking, “Okay, so when will be a good time for you to have a conversation?”. Then agree time to talk.
When you arrange beforehand when you’ll get together to talk, the timing and atmosphere will be much more conductive to a fruitful conversation, because you’ll both feel that your needs and personal situations have been considered and respected. This sets the stage for a conversation where you’ll earnestly listen to one another and have the willingness and courage to share your views and thoughts.
When the initial answer to a request for having a conversation is “no”- either from you or your spouse – it’s however very important that you arrange to talk as soon as possible. If the request is postponed indefinitely, the one who asked for a conversation can easily feel that their partner is not interested in and does not value what’s important to him or her. They can feel that their reality is dismissed. To avoid this, make sure you arrange to have the conversation within the next 24 hours.
Don’t make the mistake of confusing talking to another with effective communication. Make time for honest, meaningful conversations where you’re both at ease and present. I guarantee that it will transform your relationship.
Questions to think and talk about:
- Are we communicating effectively? What’s the reason for our answer?
- How can we communicate more effectively?
- Are we respectful to one another when we communicate? Why/why not?