Author name: Lian Smit

The Bible tells us that love does not keep record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). In marriage, it means that you don’t keep a list of the things your spouse does wrong to use against them in future arguments. This requires practising forgiveness as a lifestyle and committing to open and honest communication. That’s easier said than done. Our sinful human nature tends to steer us away from a forgive-and-forget mindset. However, by cultivating a few new habits you can move beyond a cycle of resentment and build a relationship grounded in empathy, trust, and mutual support. Healthy habits that lay the foundation for compassion and appreciation If you have trouble breaking old patterns or if the trust between you has already been significantly damaged, a couple’s therapist can provide objective guidance and effective strategies for healing and moving forward. There’s no shame in seeking professional help. Shift to keeping score of the ‘right’ things Whereas tracking wrongs can silently destroy your relationship, keeping score of the positive cultivates gratitude and generosity. Here are a few examples of how you can shift your scorekeeping focus.  Keeping score of all the positives may not come naturally at first. However, once you experience its transformative power in your relationship, you’ll be grateful that you made the effort to build new habits.  And the even better news? God is on your side and wants to help you – you just have to ask: “Lord, open my eyes to everything my spouse is giving and doing for me and our relationship that I may not be seeing and acknowledging right now. Help me see them through Your eyes. Give me insight into how I can show my spouse just how much I appreciate them. Amen.” Questions to think and talk about: Practical challenge: Set aside intentional time to: 

Patience is one of the most misunderstood virtues in marriage. Many couples think patience means choosing not to pick a fight or keeping quiet; however, patience runs far deeper than avoiding conflict and staying silent. To truly understand the meaning of patience in marriage, we need to remind ourselves that marriage is not a sprint but a lifelong journey. It’s about two imperfect people coming together – each carrying their own expectations, dreams, wounds, habits, and fears – and growing and maturing over time, as individuals and as a couple. Patience is the ability to remain loving, respectful, and committed while growth is in progress. It’s choosing to walk with one another through change and protecting the unity of your marriage.  1. What patience in marriage looks like in practice Importantly, patience is not being passive; it’s active endurance fuelled by love. What patience is NOT: What patience is: 2. Why patience is essential for a healthy marriage Every marriage faces moments of misunderstanding, disappointment, unmet expectations, and emotional strain. Without patience, these moments can lead to resentment and emotional distance between you and your spouse. Patience, on the other hand, can keep your love alive despite your feelings. It will encourage and enable you to respond positively: When practised consistently over time, patience can transform your marriage by producing emotional security, strong communication, mutual respect and long-lasting intimacy. 3. What steals patience in marriage a) Unrealistic expectations Many people enter marriage expecting their spouse to meet all their emotional, spiritual, and relational needs perfectly. When reality doesn’t match the fantasy frustration follows. b) Emotional triggers Past wounds, childhood experiences, and previous relationships, shape how we react. When these triggers are unaddressed, small issues can cause large emotional reactions. c) Control When one partner feels the need to control outcomes, timelines, or behavior, patience diappears. Control and patience cannot coexist. d) Comparison Comparing your marriage to others, especially curated social media versions,  creates pressure and dissatisfaction. e) Fatigue and stress When couples are emotionally or physically exhausted, patience becomes harder to access. 4. Ways in which to cultivate patience in your marriage The good news is that patience can be learnt and practised. It’s not a personality trait that you either have or don’t have. Here are a few suggestions to get you started. a) Pause before you react Most conflict escalates not because of the issue, but because of the reaction. Practise pausing before responding. Take a breath and consider what response will build connection instead of creating damage. Speak kindly even when you’re frustrated. b) Learn your spouse’s process People process emotions differently. Don’t expect your spouse to process life the same way you do. Instead of making assumptions and interpreting differences as resistance, make an effort to understand your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and the driving force behind them so you can be more empathetic. c) Focus on what you can control You cannot control your spouse’s pace of growth, emotions, or decisions, but you can control your own responses, boundaries, and attitudes. Focus on becoming more aware of and understanding your own emotions, for example, “Am I angry or just tired?”  d) Build rituals of connection Patience comes more naturally when your relationship is emotionally secure. Create habits like daily affirmations, weekly check-ins and shared quiet time to grow your connection. e) Remember why you chose each other When patience wears thin, revisit your story: why you fell in love in the first place, your shared dreams, what you’ve been through together so far. Perspective restores perseverance. f) Celebrate the small wins Growth in marriage is rarely linear and mostly don’t offer quick results. Patience grows when you value progress (no matter how small) over perfection. Make a point of celebrating the small wins, such as a quick apology or better communication. Without patience, even strong love can become fragile. With patience, even difficult seasons can become transformative, as conflict turns into connection and pain into growth. Questions to think and talk about: Challenge for this week: The curiosity conversation Set aside 30 minutes to ask one another open-ended, curiosity-driven questions. (No statements or accusations.) For example:

“All dreams are within reach. All you have to do is keep moving toward them.”              Viola Davis Can you remember the many dreams you had when you first got married? Think of the excitement, the plans, the pure joy as you envisioned your future together – your dream home, dream car, dream holidays, dream family. Back then, everything and anything seemed possible. You spoke about your dreams often, visualising how you would make each one come true. Every great love story begins with a dream – two hearts daring to believe in something beautiful and lasting. As time goes by, it becomes harder to dream. The weight of life’s challenges and responsibilities takes over, demanding your time and attention. You find yourselves only talking about tasks, bills, and schedules instead of hopes, goals, and shared adventures. Your life together becomes solely about surviving. Old dreams gather dust, and new dreams are left unspoken.  Then there comes a day when you look back on your life as a couple and wonder if you really achieved anything you once hoped for. Perhaps you even feel like you’ve failed.  But it’s never too late to start dreaming again. In fact, when you reach a point where you feel disheartened and disillusioned about your dreams, it is vital to start dreaming again. Start with small dreams that fit your season of life. Plan a weekend getaway, take that dance class, or start planting the garden you’ve always wanted. It is equally important to dream about your marriage again – about how you want to feel together, not just about what you want to do. Allow the King of Kings to awaken your heart to reinvigorate your marriage. When you dream together, you open your hearts to God’s possibilities again. Dreams draw you closer, not just to each other but to the One who designed your marriage in the first place. Every dream becomes a reason to connect – to sit together, talk, laugh, and imagine. Consider how easily small children dream; you can too, with your spouse beside you.  Our earthly dreams are closely related to our spiritual hopes. Think of Jesus, the Bridegroom, who is coming back for His Bride. Do you still dream about the day you will meet Him face to face? Can you remember the time when your relationship with Him was alive with excitement – when you eagerly prayed, worshipped and spent time in His Word, dreaming about what it would be like to spend eternity with Him?  Maybe life happened, and you got busy and tired. Perhaps some seemingly unanswered prayers left you discouraged, and your passion faded. But Jesus never stops dreaming about you. Every day He waits, longing to draw you closer so that you can dream together again.  So, keep dreaming about your marriage, your purpose, and your walk with God. Dream together with your spouse. Dream together with your Saviour. Because a dream you dream alone can easily disappear, but a dream you dream together is already one step closer to becoming reality. When two hearts unite in purpose and faith, God can breathe life into even the smallest or unlikeliest of dreams.  Questions to think and talk about:

Christmas is a season of joy and togetherness. Families gather, gifts are exchanged, and there’s generally an atmosphere of conviviality and warm-heartedness. For Christians, it is of course also a time of reflection on the deeper meaning of Christmas, which extends beyond the decorations, songs, and celebrations. Once you realise that the journey of marriage mirrors the Christmas message, the festive season takes on another meaning. In addition to family time and a religious celebration, it also becomes a time to reflect on and rejuvenate your marriage. Just as Christmas represents love coming down to dwell among us through Christ, marriage represents two lives choosing to dwell together in covenant love. The parallels between Christmas and the sacred union of marriage provide valuable lessons for couples who want to keep their relationship centred on love, purpose, and faith. Let’s take a closer look at these lessons.  1. Presence is more valuable than presentsGift-giving often plays an important part in our Christmas celebrations, especially when kids are involved. However, it’s important to remember that the greatest gift God gave us was His presence: Emmanuel, “God with us”. Similarly, your presence in marriage is more valuable than anything money can buy. Truly being with your spouse – emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – means listening attentively, sharing honestly, and supporting them. This kind of intentional presence rekindles intimacy. The greatest gift you can give your spouse is not what’s under the tree, but your time, attention, and love. Don’t allow busyness, screens, and stress to steal that gift.  2. The beauty lies in the preparationMost people start preparing for Christmas weeks or even months in advance. From decorations to meal planning to buying gifts, we spend a lot of time and effort getting everything ready for the perfect family celebration. In the same way, a great marriage doesn’t just happen. It requires preparation, planning, and ongoing investment. Every action you take to enrich your marriage is an opportunity to create excitement and strengthen your connection. In addition, the actual get-together on Christmas Day is short-lived. Similarly, a wedding day or celebratory anniversary dinner lasts only a few hours, but marriage lasts a lifetime. It requires daily nurturing. Don’t focus only on the ‘big moments’ in your marriage. Keep preparing your hearts daily for one another through prayer, growth, and selfless service. 3. A spirit of giving keeps the relationship aliveChristmas reminds us of generosity, of giving for the sheer joy of it. Marriage thrives on the same principle. When both you and your spouse focus on giving love, forgiveness, and kindness without expecting something in return, your relationship becomes rich and fulfilling. The moment selfishness takes over,  joy fades. Think of a Christmas where the focus is only on the size and cost of material gifts. In contrast, when you focus on your partner’s needs and choose to serve one another, the atmosphere in your home will change for the better.  Keep the spirit of giving alive in your marriage. Serve one another in love,  just as Christ gave Himself for us. 4. Grace and forgiveness are non-negotiableAt Christmas, we celebrate the coming of our Savior – the One who brought grace, mercy, and forgiveness to a broken world. Marriage, too, needs continual grace. No relationship can survive without forgiveness. Just as God forgave us freely, we must learn how to forgive each other quickly and wholeheartedly. You will both make mistakes and speak hurtful words at times. However, if you extend grace to one another as freely as Christ extended it to you, your relationship will be protected. Let forgiveness be the language of your marriage. 5. Keep the light of your love shiningOnce the decorations come down and the carols fade, many people return to ‘normal life’. But Christmas was never meant to be a one-day celebration – it’s just the day that we remind ourselves of the privilege of having an ongoing, intimate relationship with God every day, made possible by the coming of Christ. In the same way, you must keep the light of your love shining beyond the special occasions like anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, or holidays. Love is a daily choice.  Keeping the light of your love burning all year through will require intentional effort, prayer, and commitment – but it’s worth it. Christmas and marriage both tell stories of love, sacrifice, and hope. One celebrates the covenant between God and humanity, the other the covenant between two people. Importantly, both are built on the same foundation: love that gives, forgives, and endures. When you model your relationship after the true meaning of Christmas, you will create a home that reflects God’s love and joy all year long. Questions to think and talk about:1. How can you be more present with each other instead of just being in the same space?2. What are some ‘preparations’ you can do regularly to strengthen your marriage?3. In what areas do you need to show more generosity and selfless love to one another?4. Are there any past hurts that you still need to forgive each other for or release? How can you extend grace more easily?5. What are some practical ways in which you can keep the light of your love alive and maintain joy in your relationship throughout the year?

With the end of the year drawing closer, burnout is becoming increasingly common. However, burnout is not only connected to our jobs or careers. Many couples also experience burnout in their marriage. What is burnout in marriage? Marriage burnout is when one or both spouses feel emotionally drained, unappreciated, or disconnected. Importantly, it usually develops slowly as schedules get busier, constant responsibilities take priority, and conflict remains unresolved. It’s therefore easy to miss the signs until, one day, you realise you’re just ‘functioning’ together, instead of truly living together.  Marriage burnout does not mean you no longer love one another or that your relationship is doomed. Even the strongest Christian couples can experience seasons of exhaustion, frustration, or emotional distance. Burnout in marriage is often a sign that both partners are weary and need to slow down, reconnect, and invite God back into the centre of their relationship. Signs to look out for To identify if you and/or your spouse may be suffering from marriage burnout, look out for the following signs:  How to overcome burnout: Return to God together When life feels overwhelming, it’s easy to focus on each other’s faults and to lose sight of God’s faithfulness. Make an effort to seek the Lord together. Take time to pray together daily, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Read Scripture as a couple. Verses like Matthew 11:28 (“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened…”) remind us that we can find rest in Him. Communicate with grace Ephesians 4:29 teaches us to speak words that build up rather than tear down. Set aside time to talk openly and gently about what’s draining you and your desire for change. Listen to one another with empathy – don’t be defensive. Healing often begins simply by feeling heard and understood. Rekindle emotional and physical connection Burnout often cools affection. Purposely spend time together to rebuild your connection. Start small – hold hands or take the time to greet one another with a proper hug. Plan a quiet evening without distractions. There’s no need for a fancy date night – simply create a space where you can spend quality time together and focus only on one another. Intimacy grows when both partners feel safe, loved, and prioritised. Rest and rebalance Even Jesus rested when He was on Earth. Take a break from the constant activity. Organise a short getaway or simply spend a weekend at home, unplug from everything and don’t make any other commitments. Try new things together and mix up your routine. It can be as simple as going for a quick walk after work. Review your commitments together and ask: Are we saying yes to too many things? Protect your time with one another as sacred. Seek Godly support There’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, we were made to function in community with others. Speak with a trusted pastor, Christian counsellor, or mature couple who can pray with you, offer a biblical perspective, and help you navigate the challenges you’re facing. Serve others, including your partner Reignite joy by doing something kind for each other or serving others as a team. Shared purpose reminds us that marriage is about partnership, not performance. A prayer for tired hearts If you feel your marriage is in a season of burnout and you want to renew your marriage connection, start by praying the following prayer together: Lord, we confess that we are weary and need Your renewal. Teach us to love as You love – patiently, tenderly, and faithfully. Restore our joy, refresh our spirits, and help us to walk together in Your peace. Amen Questions to think and talk about:

Although marriage is essentially a union between two people committing their lives to one another, it doesn’t exist in isolation. When children are born or extended families come into play, new layers are added. Children and family can, of course, bring tremendous joy; yet they also introduce some of the most common and persistent challenges in marriage. If not addressed intentionally, these challenges can erode emotional connection, lead to resentment, and even create division. Let’s look at specific challenges and how you can navigate these as a couple.  The pressures of parentingTime and energy drainRaising children demands an immense commitment of time, attention, and emotional energy. Between school runs, homework, tantrums, and bedtime routines, couples often find themselves depleted. Deep conversations are replaced by brief chats about logistics, date nights become rare, and emotional intimacy fades.Solution:Schedule intentional “us time” – even if it’s just 20 minutes after the kids go to bed. Consider rotating who puts the kids to bed so that the other partner can get a moment of alone time to catch their breath. Outsource tasks where possible, for example, make use of a prepared meal service or arrange babysitting swaps with other parents.Different parenting stylesOften, one partner is stricter while the other is more lenient. This can lead to arguments, confuse the children, and make the strict partner feel unsupported in their role as a parent.Solution:Having different parenting styles does not mean that one of you is right and the other wrong. Both of you have the best intentions for your children. So, the goal is not to change each other but rather to find ways to complement one another. Attend a parenting workshop together or read a parenting book as a couple. Discuss what values you want to instil in your children and agree on consistent discipline strategies. Present a united front even when you disagree – and make sure you discuss differences privately, not in front of the kids. Child-centred marriageAlthough children are important, everything should not revolve around them – your marriage will take a back seat as a result.Solution:Place your marriage at the centre of your home, not your children. Let your kids see that you prioritise one another. A secure marriage provides children with emotional safety. Protect your time together without guilt.Losing individual identity in parenthoodOne or both spouses can lose their sense of self after children, especially the primary caregiver. They might feel invisible, exhausted, or as if their only purpose is to serve others.Solution:Encourage each other to pursue your personal passions, even in the smallest of ways. Trade off time so each partner has space to recharge. Celebrate each other’s growth outside of being a parent or spouse.Unbalanced responsibilitiesOften, one partner ends up doing more of the household or child-related tasks than the other. This imbalance can create burnout and resentment.Solution:Communicate clearly about roles and divide responsibilities fairly. This does not necessarily mean equally but equitably, considering any other roles you have to fulfil, at work or elsewhere. Check in with one another weekly and adjust tasks if needed. Acknowledge each other’s contributions regularly to show your gratitude. Extended family intreferenceOver-involvement from in-lawsWell-meaning (or controlling) in-laws can unintentionally (or intentionally) interfere with your relationship by offering advice, criticising your parenting choices, or trying to exert influence.Solution:Establish boundaries together. The spouse whose parent is overstepping should be the one to address the issue respectfully. Use “we” language to communicate a united front, for example: “We’ve decided to parent this way.” Show appreciation but assert your autonomy as a couple.Loyalty conflictsYou or your spouse may feel torn between loyalty to each other and loyalty to your parents or siblings, especially if you are part of a culture where family loyalty is highly valued.Solution:Discuss expectations openly. Decide together what boundaries you need to set. Create a family calendar that balances extended family involvement with time for your nuclear family. Remind one another that your marriage is your priority. Emotional disconnection and intimacy issuesDecreased sexual intimacyTiredness, stress and lack of emotional connection can make sex feel like an obligation instead of a joyful part of the relationship, the way God intended it to be.Solution:Talk openly about your needs and feelings without blame. Focus on emotional intimacy – kindness, affection, appreciation – as the pathway to physical closeness. Schedule time for physical connection if necessary. Bring back fun and flirtation into your relationship.Using children as emotional substitutesWhen a marriage is experiencing strain, some spouses turn to their children to meet their emotional needs, which leads to further alienation between partners.Solution:Your children are not your emotional partners – your spouse is. Seek emotional connection intentionally. Practice having open and vulnerable conversations with each other. If needed, consider counselling to rebuild trust and closeness.. In summary: How to strengthen your marriage amidst family pressuresSchedule regular check-ins: Weekly marriage meetings help keep the communication lines open.Seek counselling early: Don’t wait for a crisis. Marriage counselling can be preventative and strengthening.Invest in couple-time: Date nights, shared hobbies, short getaways – even if it’s once a quarter – will help rekindle your connection.Teach your children boundaries: Let them know that mum and dad need time together. It models healthy love. Teach family and loved ones boundaries: Let them know that you have your own set of rules as a couple and that you do things in a certain way. Reassure them that you will ask for help when needed.Practise gratitude: Making a habit of saying thank you for each other’s efforts on a daily basis goes a long way in building trust and kindness.Raising children and navigating extended family relationships can be one of the most rewarding but also stretching parts of marriage. The important thing is to face these challenges together with clear communication, intentionality, grace, and unity – not to avoid or ignore the issues. Marriage is a lifelong journey. When you choose to stay connected in the midst of chaos, your relationship becomes a steady and secure foundation – not only for you and your spouse but also for generations to come.  Questions to think and

As Christians, we should view our finances through the lens of stewardship, which means acknowledging that all our resources ultimately belong to God. The same applies to Christian couples: you are called to manage your finances as a couple and a family wisely and in alignment with biblical principles. So, what does this mean for your everyday financial decisions? Key principles for managing your finances Give a tenth of your income to the church Tithing is a biblical command – not an optional suggestion – to give 10% of your income to the church. Tithing should be done before you pay for anything else or before any deductions go off. This practice enables you to focus on the fact that your finances ultimately originate from the Lord: by giving Him what belongs to Him, you are saying that He is your provider, and you acknowledge Him as the true source of your income. This creates a stewardship mindset, which recognises God as the ultimate owner of everything that we possess, shifting the focus from ownership to stewardship. Such a mindset, in turn, encourages wise money management and a focus on eternal investment, rather than the pursual of temporary gain. Prioritise charitable giving The Bible consistently emphasises generosity. Giving to those in need as a couple should be a heartfelt priority, reflecting God’s provision and your gratitude. Avoid unnecessary debt Psalm 37:21 warns us against accumulating debt. It is important to avoid unnecessary borrowing and excessive spending beyond your means. That can strain your relationship and peace of mind. Practise financial transparency Having open and honest conversations with one another about money is vital. Transparency builds trust, deepens intimacy, and prevents misunderstandings that can lead to conflict. Pursue financial unity A “we” mindset in finances – rather than “yours” and “mine” – promotes teamwork and shared responsibility. Combining your resources helps align goals and values, strengthening your marital bond.  Cultivate contentment Hebrew 13:5 reminds us to be content with what we have. Focusing on your relationship with God and with each other, rather than on chasing material wealth, brings much deeper satisfaction and peace than what any earthly object or financial gains can bring. Get advise Wise counsel – whether from mentors, pastors, or financial advisors – can offer invaluable, objective insights into your financial situation and help you navigate complex financial decisions with clarity and unity. How to apply these principles in practice Give first Set aside a portion of your income for tithing and charitable giving. Prioritising generosity aligns your heart with God’s values. Budget together Create a joint budget to track your income and expenses and set financial goals. Have a monthly financial meeting during which you discuss your budget, your finances of the past month, and the coming month, so that you can make any adjustments if necessary. Regular check-ins are a good way of fostering teamwork, accountability, and collaborative decision-making. Communicate openly Regularly talk about your financial matters, including your needs, wants, goals, and expectations – in addition to your monthly meetings. Honest, ongoing communication minimises stress and keeps you aligned. Don’t forget to talk about the fun things too: items on your bucket list, surprising each other with something special, or leisure activities. Save and invest Prepare for future needs and unplanned expenses by consistently saving money and making wise investments. These practices reflect faithful stewardship and long-term vision. Seek counselling if necessary If you’re facing financial difficulties, don’t hesitate to seek help. A financial counsellor or pastor can offer support, guidance, and biblical direction during challenging times. Managing your finances in marriage is about more than balancing the numbers – it’s a spiritual practice that requires trust, unity, and obedience to God. By applying biblical principles, you can experience not only financial stability, but deeper connection, a shared purpose, and lasting peace. Questions to think and talk about: Challenges for couples 1. “Budget Date Night” Challenge Instead of dreading budgeting, make it a fun date! Grab coffee, light candles, or order pizza and create your monthly budget together. Play background worship music, use colorful pens or apps, and dream together about future goals (like saving for a trip, home upgrade, or giving to a cause you both love).  2. “No -Secret Spending” Challenge Each of you gets a small “fun allowance” for the month (e.g., R200). The catch? You must spend it in a way that surprises and blesses your spouse. At the end of the month, reveal how you used it. It’s financial transparency and a playful way to show love.  3. “Generosity Jar” Challenge Place a jar in your home where you both drop in spare change or little notes of things you could do to bless others. At the end of the month, pray over the jar and decide together where it should go – whether it’s helping a friend, buying groceries for someone, or supporting a ministry. Make it fun by celebrating your giving with ice cream or a picnic afterwards.

Marriage is more than a union of two lives – it’s a merging of histories, personalities, values, and experiences. Each partner brings into the marriage not only hopes and dreams but also wounds and scars. Past trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood, can have a significant impact on how you behave, communicate, and connect in marriage. Many couples struggle with unresolved emotional pain, often without realising its roots lie in the past. This shapes their perceptions of love, trust, conflict, and safety. However, the presence of trauma doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With intentional actions, support, and grace, a marriage can become a place of healing. 1. Understanding trauma and its lingering effects Trauma is any deeply distressing or disturbing experience that affects your ability to cope and function normally. It can result from a single event or prolonged exposure to hardship. It’s not only the severity of an experience that makes it traumatic – your perception of the experience and the lasting emotional, physical, or psychological effects also play a role.  Common effects of trauma include difficulty with trusting others, fear of intimacy or abandonment, emotional numbness or reactivity, anxiety or depression, detachment, and poor self-esteem.  In a marriage relationship, past trauma doesn’t always scream; often, it whispers. It shows up subtly in arguments, communication breakdowns, or emotional disconnection. Common trauma responses in marriage include the following:Fight: Anger, criticism, defensivenessFlight: Avoidance, busyness, overworkingFreeze: Numbness, shutting downFawn: People-pleasing, avoiding conflict to maintain peace These responses are survival mechanisms developed before getting married. When not understood and addressed, these behaviours and emotions can confuse or hurt both you and your spouse, damaging your relationship. 2. Types of trauma and how they affect marriage a) Emotional neglect or abuse from childhoodEmotional neglect – that is, being ignored, dismissed, or shamed – often leads to relational disconnection in adulthood. Children who grow up without emotional validation consequently often struggle to express their feelings or understand their emotional needs as adults.Influence on marriage:The person who experienced this trauma may seem cold, distant, or unable to engage emotionally. They can also become avoidant, fearing vulnerability.If their partner is unaware of or doesn’t understand the deeper roots of the emotional disconnect, they could feel unloved or frustrated. b) Physical or sexual abuseThis type of trauma can create deep shame, fear, and body-related anxieties. Survivors may have issues with physical intimacy or boundaries.Influence on marriage:Victims of physical abuse might avoid physical closeness or dissociate during sex. They may need high levels of control in the relationship to feel safe. c) Divorced parents or abandonmentWhen a child is exposed to a parental split or abandonment, it can leave a lasting fear or instability.Influence on marriage:The individual may struggle with trusting their partner, harbour a constant fear that their partner will leave them, or cling tightly to their partner. Others may avoid commitment or emotionally distance themselves to protect themselves against future hurt. d) Growing up in a chaotic or addictive homeGrowing up in a home where addiction, domestic violence, or mental illness is commonplace often means the child had to ‘parent’ themselves ( and sometimes their caregivers as well). This can lead to hyper-independence, anxiety, and fear of unpredictability.Influence on marriage:These individuals may have difficulty relying on their partner, exhibit controlling behaviours, or display perfectionist tendencies. They may also expect conflict and walk on eggshells even when things are calm. e) Loss or griefLosing a loved one, especially in a traumatic way, can leave a person fearful of attachment or overwhelmed with unresolved grief.Influence on marriage:The person may fear loving deeply again or become emotionally guarded. They may carry unresolved guilt or sadness into the marriage, affecting emotional availability. 3. The first step towards healing: awareness People are often unaware that their reactions are shaped by trauma. However, as soon as they understand their behaviour of what happened in the past, they can begin to change. To increase your awareness of how past events could be affecting your marriage, consider the following questions:What types of situations in your marriage trigger strong emotional responses?Do you sometimes react out of proportion?What does your partner’s behaviour remind you of from your past? 4. How you can heal together as a couple While the closeness of marriage can bring unresolved wounds to the surface, it also makes it a unique space for healing. Nevertheless, healing will require commitment, courage, and compassion. Here are a few steps you can take together: Communicate openlyTalk to each other about your pasts in a safe, non-judgmental space. Understanding each other’s stories deepens empathy.Avoid blame.Use “I feel” statements.Be vulnerable but respect each other’s pace. Get help from a therapist or counsellorWorking with a trauma therapist, individually or as a couple, can help you identify patterns and guide healing. A marriage counsellor can also provide tools for better communication and emotional safety. Build trustConsistency, reliability, and empathy are key to rebuilding a sense of safety. Keep your promises.Respect each other’s emotional triggers.Reassure each other during difficult times. Create new, healthy habitsHealing involves breaking old, unhealthy cycles and developing new habits.Practice healthy conflict resolution.Schedule regular check-ins.Share positive moments and celebrate progress. Tap into your faithFor many couples, faith plays an important role in the healing process. Praying together, meditating, or studying Scripture can offer peace and perspective. There are also many practices you can follow as an individual to process past hurts and to recognise and celebrate growth, such as journaling, gratitude exercises, or quiet reflection.  5. The benefits of healing together When you and your spouse go through hardship together and do the work of healing, your relationship and bond will become stronger and more intimate by helping you:Understand each other’s inner worlds.Develop patience and compassion.Communicate more effectively.Build resilience and unity. Focus on connectionMarriage is not about perfection – it’s about connection. And true connection happens not in the absence of pain but in the presence of honesty, safety, and shared healing. Trauma may have left its marks, but with grace, communication, and intentional care, those scars can become stories of redemption.Your

It can be challenging to retain a sense of excitement in marriage as time passes. After the first few years, you might find that you have fallen into a routine. Life together becomes familiar and ordinary. In a way, you start feeling bored with your relationship. You may even feel like your marriage is no longer meaningful. Signs you might be bored in your marriageTo determine whether boredom has crept into your relationship, there are some signs to look out for. If any of these points sound familiar to you, it’s time to take action:You don’t show interest in each other’s lives, feelings, or hobbies anymore.You don’t give each other as much of your time and attention as you did at the start of your relationship.Thinking about your future together makes you feel unhappy or unsure.You enjoy spending time with other people more than with each other.You wish you could change your partner or your relationship.You feel like you no longer have things in common.It’s hard to find things to talk about.You often feel irritated or annoyed with each other.You no longer feel attracted to one another.You don’t appreciate each other anymore. Experiencing boredom doesn’t mean it’s overIf you experience any of the signs above, it can seem like your relationship has passed its ‘expiry date’. But that’s not necessarily the case.Couples often simply get too used to each other. Perhaps you’ve already reached your shared goals, or your daily life and routine have become too predictable. It doesn’t mean your marriage is over – it simply means your relationship needs fresh energy and new experiences. How to bring life back into your marriageRescuing your marriage from boredom doesn’t necessarily require drastic intervention or big changes. There are many simple things you can do to reconnect and make your marriage exciting once again: 1. Talk openly and honestlyShare your feelings of boredom in a calm, loving way. If you both acknowledge the problem and commit to working together to find ways to reconnect, your efforts are much more likely to succeed.2. Prioritise spending quality time with one anotherPlan regular date nights. It doesn’t have to be a long or expensive outing – the most important thing is that you spend time alone together and create a special memory. For example, drive to a nearby park and watch the sunset; you can take some snacks and something to drink if you’d like. Or agree to have coffee or breakfast together in the garden one morning before work. 3. Try new experiences togetherTake on a new hobby together, visit some place neither of you has been to before (even if it’s a new ice cream shop in a nearby town), attend fun events like a quiz night or parkrun, or take a class as a couple. New experiences help you bond. 4. Rebuild intimacyMake an effort to connect physically and emotionally. Try something new in the bedroom or have deep conversations where you truly share your innermost feelings, hopes, and fears with one another. 5. Be spontaneousBreak the routine by surprising each other with unexpected date nights and fun activities. For example, if you usually go on date night on a Friday, organise something for another day of the week and send your spouse a message with a mysterious invite: “Be ready tonight at 19h00. Dress code: smart casual…” If you normally go to a restaurant, why not try a food and wine pairing or a cooking class instead?6. Keep your own hobbies and interestsIt’s important to continue doing things you enjoy on your own. This helps you feel fulfilled and makes you a more interesting partner. 7. Get professional help if neededIf the boredom continues, consider seeing a marriage counsellor. Sometimes a professional with an objective view can help you see things in a new way. Don’t give up on your marriageWhen it comes to our marriages, it’s important to remember that the enemy loves to pull couples apart – and boredom is one of his most subtle tools. You should therefore make an effort not to allow boredom or busyness to drift you apart.If you notice signs of boredom, don’t ignore them. Talk about it openly with one another and work together to refresh your relationship. Choose to turn towards each other again and strengthen your relationship.Feeling bored in marriage doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It simply means it’s time to bring in something new. Questions to think and talk about:1. In which areas of your relationship do you think you might have fallen into a routine or become bored?2. What are some of the things you used to enjoy doing together that you haven’t done in a long time?3. What small steps can each of you take to bring more fun, excitement, or connection back into your marriage? Reconnection challenges:1. Plan one new experience together this monthChoose something you’ve never done before as a couple. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or visiting an interesting museum, or a market. Or if you truly want to get out of your comfort zone, it can be something more adventurous, like going horse riding or booking an escape room experience. If you need ideas of what to do in your area, look online. 2. Have one deep, honest conversation this weekSet aside time to talk about how you feel about your relationship, your dreams, your worries, or what you appreciate about each other. There shouldn’t be any distractions – put away your phones and make sure the kids won’t bother you, so that you can truly connect and focus on one another. 3. Surprise each other once this week It doesn’t have to be something significant. It can be a small gift, a love note, a coffee date, or running an errand for your partner that shows you care.

What is sexual connection? Sexual connection in marriage refers to the physical intimacy and emotional bond between spouses, where sexual activity is a key component of a deep, loving relationship. It’s about more than just physical acts – it’s about emotional closeness, vulnerability, trust, and shared experiences that strengthen the marital bond. A healthy sexual connection is a vital aspect of a thriving relationship and contributes to both physical and emotional well-being. It’s designed to bring God glory and unite husband and wife in a one-flesh relationship.  Four ways in which you can build a strong sexual connection 1. Create emotional safety Sexual desires thrive in emotional safety. When couples start feeling disconnected, sex often becomes mechanical or infrequent; it can even disappear from married life altogether. Creating space for emotional honesty without judgement sets the stage for real intimacy. 2. Be intentional Intentional sex – planned with care and mutual anticipation – can be more fulfilling than the cultural myth that sex must always be spontaneous. It communicates value: “You matter to me. Our intimacy matters.” 3. Rewrite the sexual script You and/or your partner subconsciously bring your own beliefs, perspectives, or shame into the bedroom, often shaped by your childhood or past relationships. Decide together what healthy, pleasurable, and meaningful sex looks like for you as a couple, considering your unique backgrounds and experiences. This shared vision for sexual and emotional relationships will evolve over time. It’s not about laying down rules and rigidly following those rules, but about honest, ongoing conversations. This could include talking about:  4. Be open and honest If you want to experience a deep sexual connection, you have to be aware of each other’s sexual worlds and expectations. If you aren’t, you’ll likely find that you’re feeling unsure, unsafe, and even unwilling and shy to share your hearts with each other. Effective, satisfying sexual connection starts with understanding each other’s world when it comes to this topic. Practical challenges for strengthening your sexual connection These challenges are designed to help you intentionally enhance trust, communication, and intimacy – emotionally and physically. Schedule a sacred intimacy time 1. Choose one night this week where you can block off one hour to spend together with no distractions – phones off, kids settled, and work set aside. 2. Begin with a five-minute eye gazing exercise to connect emotionally and be physically close to one another. 3. Transition into open conversation where you share your fantasies or desires, or move to sensual touch, but without any pressure. Reflect together on your thoughts, feelings, and expectations 1. What beliefs about sex did you learn growing up? How do these beliefs affect you now? 2. What do you need emotionally to feel open to sexual intimacy? 3. Think of three things that would make your sex life feel more connected and meaningful. Pray together for your sexual connection Dear God, thank you for the gift of intimacy. Thank you for creating us with bodies, hearts, and desires that are meant to be shared within the safety of a marriage relationship. Help us to create a space where we can express our love for one another without fear and where we both can be fully known and still fully loved. Teach us to speak with honesty, listen with empathy, and touch with tenderness. Heal any shame, wounds, or silence that has stolen our closeness. Restore the joy, playfulness, and connection we long for. Let our sexual connection be a reflection of  Your love – faithful, generous, and alive. Amen