The Bible tells us that love does not keep record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). In marriage, it means that you don’t keep a list of the things your spouse does wrong to use against them in future arguments. This requires practising forgiveness as a lifestyle and committing to open and honest communication.
That’s easier said than done. Our sinful human nature tends to steer us away from a forgive-and-forget mindset. However, by cultivating a few new habits you can move beyond a cycle of resentment and build a relationship grounded in empathy, trust, and mutual support.
Healthy habits that lay the foundation for compassion and appreciation
- Make a conscious choice to forgive: Forgiveness is a deliberate decision; it’s not merely a feeling, and it certainly doesn’t happen naturally. Choose to release anger and resentment, even if you still feel emotionally hurt.
- Focus on the issue at hand: When conflict arises, stay with the current issue. Resist the urge to bring up past mistakes or failures as ‘ammunition’. Mentioning old wounds will only deepen the divide and stop you from addressing the immediate problem.
- Validate each other’s feelings: Create a safe space where both of you feel seen and heard without judgement. When one of you expresses being hurt, the other one should listen, acknowledge their spouse’s feelings and apologise sincerely for their part in causing it, rather than getting defensive.
- Use “I” statements: Phrase your concerns in terms of your own feelings and needs, rather than accusing or blaming your spouse. For example, say “I felt unappreciated when x happened” instead of “You never do x”.
- Establish clear boundaries: Agree on specific actions both of you can take to prevent issues rooted in resentment in future. This ensures accountability and builds a sense of safety and trust.
If you have trouble breaking old patterns or if the trust between you has already been significantly damaged, a couple’s therapist can provide objective guidance and effective strategies for healing and moving forward. There’s no shame in seeking professional help.
Shift to keeping score of the ‘right’ things
Whereas tracking wrongs can silently destroy your relationship, keeping score of the positive cultivates gratitude and generosity. Here are a few examples of how you can shift your scorekeeping focus.
- Appreciate the positive: Actively notice and thank your partner for any small, selfless act or gesture, like making coffee, leaving notes, or fixing meals.
- ‘Out-give’ each other: Aim to do more for your partner than they do for you. This replaces a tally of debts with a cycle of generosity.
- Support each other’s individual pursuits: Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader by showing sincere interest in their goals and dreams and celebrating their successes.
- Focus on your collective wins: Track your relationship’s overall growth and milestones (for example, better communication and being more supportive of one another) rather than keeping score of individual actions. Doing this shifts the focus to your wins as a team.
- Ask, don’t accuse: Instead of tallying wrongs, get curious about your partner’s underlying feelings. Ask open-ended questions, for example, “Do you feel cherished?”, and make an effort to listen to and understand their response.
- Communicate your needs: Ask one another directly for what you need so you don’t have to try to read each other’s minds.
- Surrender the desire to be right: Let go of the need to be correct. It’s not critical who’s right; kindness and helpfulness matter more.
Keeping score of all the positives may not come naturally at first. However, once you experience its transformative power in your relationship, you’ll be grateful that you made the effort to build new habits.
And the even better news? God is on your side and wants to help you – you just have to ask: “Lord, open my eyes to everything my spouse is giving and doing for me and our relationship that I may not be seeing and acknowledging right now. Help me see them through Your eyes. Give me insight into how I can show my spouse just how much I appreciate them. Amen.”
Questions to think and talk about:
- In what ways do you tend to keep score in your relationship, even unintentionally?
- In conflict, do you aim to win the argument or strengthen the relationship?
- What small, everyday acts of love from your spouse have you overlooked recently?
- How can you better affirm and celebrate each other’s successes and good news?
Practical challenge:
Set aside intentional time to:
- Acknowledge past hurts that still surface
- Offer forgiveness without conditions
- Commit to not using those issues in future arguments
- Try to out-give each other through small acts of kindness