“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”
Stephen Covey
You’ve probably heard this quote from the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People before. But how often have you actually ask yourself what ‘the main thing’ is?
When it comes to marriage, it’s vitally important that you know the answer to this question. There isn’t only one answer, but rather three answers that are all interlinked.
The first main thing in a healthy marriage is that your relationship must be a safe space for both partners at all times. When both you and your spouse feel safe with one another and secure in your relationship, all walls come down and trust and transparency permeate every aspect of your relationship. As a result, you’ll be much more willing to, and comfortable with discussing difficult topics, without either of you feeling the fear of being blamed, shamed, criticised, or judged. You’ll have the confidence to completely be yourselves. In such a relationship, you truly hear and see one another and become more aware of one another’s deepest needs and expectations.
These needs and expectations bring us to the other two related aspects of the main thing in marriage: the core needs of a wife and a husband respectively.
The number one need or expectation of a wife is to feel chosen. She wants to experience this special status of being the chosen one every moment of every day, with all her senses. She does not want to compete with anything or anybody for her husband’s attention and affection or have any reason to doubt his love for her. His heart belongs exclusively to her and no one else. A husband must therefore do everything he can to make sure that his wife always feels that she is his number one priority and that she can be 100% confident of his love and devotion. In reality, most husbands don’t know what this means in practice.
So, they do whatever they think is the right thing to do. However, the outcome is usually miles from what they intended. The best approach is to ask your wife what this means for her so that you know exactly what you’re aiming for and how you can address her needs and expectations.
When it comes to a husband’s number one expectation, it boils down to him feeling that he’s wanted and adding value to the relationship. When a wife acknowledges her need for, and dependence on her husband, he feels respected and that he’s succeeding in his role as the husband in that relationship.
In a man’s mind, respect must be earned; so, if he’s not adding value or doesn’t have a purpose in the relationship, then he cannot receive respect. To find out what it is that makes your husband feel that he’s adding value and meeting his duties as the husband, ask him – and then start doing it.
When you and your spouse both meet one another’s most important needs, you’ll automatically create a safe space in your relationship, which takes us back to our first point. But to meet each other’s needs in a way that makes sense to you both, it’s vital that you communicate. There’s no reason to make your partner guess or figure out what you want. That’s not how a healthy, godly marriage operates, and you’ll likely set one another up for failure. Help each other to love one another in a way that makes sense to you by talking about it.
This interplay between creating safety, feeling chosen, and feeling valued is ” the main thing” in marrriage. If you prioritise and keep working at it, with Christ as the foundation, your marriage will work.
Questions to think and talk about:
- What makes us feel safe in our relationship?
- Husbands, ask your wife: “What can I do to make you feel chosen in our relationship?”
- Wives, ask your husband: “What can I do to make you feel valued in our relationship?”