‘Minding the gap’ in marriage

I recently listened to a talk where the speaker referred to the space between something being said and how someone responds to what was said. The point the speaker was making was that the response – and the outcome – is determined by what happens in that space. The decisions we make in that space and the consequent actions we take shape the nature and quality of our relationships. In marriage, that space is sacred – it’s the place where love, respect, and understanding are given room to breathe. It’s where we choose whether we’ll respond with grace or with criticism.

Ephesians 4:29 says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up…that it may benefit those who listen.” In marriage, your words should actively build up your partner, not tear them down. To achieve a specific outcome or goal in your marriage, your words and actions should encourage and support that outcome – and that requires careful consideration and wisdom.

If you have ever travelled to or lived in the UK, you would be familiar with the phrase that appears at many a train station: ‘Mind the gap’. In this article, I want to plead with every couple: mind the gap between when your spouse says something and your response. That space not only determines what the next hour or day of your relationship will look like; it ultimately determines the trajectory of your marriage. It can make or break a relationship. In marriage, that gap is often the difference between conflict and peace, between distance and closeness. When we are gentle in our response, we sow peace (Proverbs 15:1).

Considering the weight of what happens in that gap and its potential impact, we should be willing to linger there a little longer and think more carefully about what we want to say and how we want to act.

It starts with truly hearing what your spouse is saying and making sure you understand what they mean – because that will determine your thinking. James 1:19 is a key verse for any couple: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” In marriage, true listening is an act of love: it’s not just hearing the words but grasping the heart behind them.

Next, it’s crucial to wisely manage the space between what was said and how you respond. We often rush to respond instead of using the opportunity to properly contemplate the situation. Consequently, we end up with an outcome we regret, and that can be very hard to undo. Even Jesus, before saying or doing something significant, often withdrew to be quiet and pray (Mark 1:35). That is a good example for us to follow in marriage: don’t speak first – be still, be present, pray before you respond if you can.

Minding the gap requires a conscious decision to pause after your spouse has spoken to you. Make sure you’ve listened correctly. Get clarity on the best outcome for your marriage (not for yourself) – and then make choices that will help achieve that outcome. Romans 12:10 urges us: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.” Before you respond, there’s a chance to choose to treat your spouse with honour, which, in turn, strengthens trust and intimacy.

Every marriage is made up of thousands of moments of interaction, and between each one, there is a space. It’s in that ‘in-between’ that the Holy Spirit works – if we let Him. You can choose to ignore the space and the Spirit and react out of self-preservation. Or you can choose to follow wisdom and put your relationship first. It’s up to you.

Mind the gap – because in that quiet, sacred space, love becomes a choice, not just a feeling.

Questions to think and talk about:
1. How do you typically respond to each other in emotionally charged moments? Do you react quickly, or do you allow one another space to think first?
Follow-up: Can you think of a recent situation when pausing before responding would have changed the outcome?
2. What does the “gap” between what is said and how you respond look like in your marriage?
Follow-up: How can you better use that space to listen with empathy, understand each other’s intentions, and build one another up?
3. How can you invite God into that space between stimulus and response?
Follow-up: What Scriptures, prayers or habits can you use to help you slow down and respond more like Christ?