Boundaries – Connection Impact

“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.”
Lorraine Nilon

In marriage, boundaries are the limits and guidelines that spouses set to protect their emotional well-being, individuality, and the health of the relationship. These boundaries help define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behaviour, communication, and interactions with each other and with others. When these boundaries are not in place, it can easily lead to a situation where spouses or the people around them get involved in areas in which they shouldn’t be involved. This can lead to conflict and disconnection, and even the breakdown of the relationship.

Boundaries are therefore not just a nice-to-have in marriage – they are an absolute necessity. Yet, couples often struggle to put down boundaries. Generally, most of us find it harder to set boundaries with those people to whom we are the closest.

So, let’s take a look at some of the boundaries that need to be in place in marriage.

1. Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries serve the purpose of protecting each other’s feelings and showing respect. Examples include avoiding name-calling during arguments or granting your partner’s need for alone time. These boundaries are also there to prohibit you from discussing your innermost emotions with people outside of your marriage. It is vital that you are very cautious about sharing your emotions with people other than your partner, because if you do, you open the door for someone outside of your marriage to fulfill a need that should only be met by your partner.

2. Physical Boundaries
These boundaries are about understanding and respecting each other’s personal space and physical needs, such as how much affection your partner is comfortable with or needs, or when they need rest. As with emotional boundaries, these boundaries also help ensure that your physical needs are not met by anyone outside of your marriage.

3. Time Boundaries
Marriage, family, work, and personal life all involve a multitude of obligations and responsibilities that demand our time. Balancing the time you spend with each other with time spent with family and friends and on work and hobbies is extremely important. Discuss with whom or on what you need and want to spend time, as individuals and together, and allocate your time accordingly – but ensure your relationship stays a top priority.

4. Financial Boundaries
Money matters is a key cause of friction in marriage. It is critical that you are aligned on how you manage your finances and that each partner contributes according to their means. The first step is to discuss and set up a monthly budget together, if you haven’t already done so, and to review it regularly. Discuss your spending habits and agree on your goals, individually and as a couple. Being in agreement about how you view and manage your money and acknowledging the value that both partners bring, even if it isn’t a 50/50 split, will make it much easier to have money-related conversations.

5. Social Boundaries
Social boundaries are about setting limits on how much influence family, friends, or social media have on your marriage and deciding how private or public your relationship should be. Although being part of a community is an important part of married life, a free-for-all approach where you open your marriage to input from everyone and anyone is very dangerous – rather partner with a trusted mentor couple who can provide you with guidance and advice in confidentiality and who have your best interests at heart. Having a mentor couple also means you have a safe space where you can go when you face challenges in your marriage.

6. Sexual Boundaries
Most couples struggle to talk about sexual boundaries. However, discussing your expectations and comfort levels with regard to sexual intimacy is critical to finding a mutually fulfilling connection. The foundational principle of sexual boundaries is to know and acknowledge that the purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage is to serve one another. That is why things such as pornography, hurting or humiliating each other, or using intimacy as a weapon to manipulate your partner do not belong in intimacy between you and your spouse.

7. Technology Boundaries
In this day and age, technology is part of our everyday life. In fact, it regulates our daily lives to a large extent. Technology boundaries involve discussing how your digital habits – e.g. how much time you spend on your device(s) and which social media platforms you use – – affect your relationship. This will enable you to put in place rules and limits that create a space where your technology usage does not interfere with your connection as a couple.

8. Conflict Boundaries
Having disagreements and arguments is part of married life – we are, after all, only human. Conflict boundaries mean you establish healthy ways to resolve disagreements, such as no yelling, not bringing up past issues unfairly, and taking breaks if emotions become too intense.

Setting and respecting boundaries in marriage are essential to creating a strong, loving, and trusting marriage. Is your marriage protected by boundaries?

Questions to think and talk about:
1. Based on the above, what boundaries do you currently have in your relationship?
2. How do you enforce these boundaries?
3. Do other people like family know about these boundaries or do you need to inform them?
4. How is your marriage benefiting from having boundaries?
5. What things make it difficult or (can make it difficult) for you to enforce your boundaries?