“To get connection back, we have to identify when and why we lost it in the first place.” Deepspirituality.net
In my work as a marriage counselor, I have come across many couples who have developed an emotional disconnect in their relationship. This type of disconnect does not happen overnight – it develops over time. Traumatic events can also lead to severe and immediate disconnect, but that is the exception.
One of the main reasons why couples get disconnected emotionally is that they start taking each other for granted. The busyness of life plays a role in this – most couples aren’t even aware that they’re beginning to take one another for granted, and they don’t make intentional, proactive adjustments to change that.
Other factors that can contribute to emotional disconnect are treating one another harshly or disrespectfully, a lack of effort in the relationship, unforgiveness, not making time for one another, not following through on relationship challenges or problems that you are facing, and even denying that there are any challenges.
The problem is that if you don’t address this state of emotional disconnect, you risk experiencing disconnection on all levels of your relationship. In the process, you create a huge chasm between you and your partner that is very hard to bridge. Eventually, your life together becomes like that of two housemates, instead of a loving couple.
So, how do you avoid getting to this point? The first thing to do is to acknowledge and agree that there is a disconnect.
The next step is to unpack the details together: what is causing the disconnect, when it started, how it is affecting your relationship, and what you can change to meet each other’s unmet needs.
Make time to talk this through. But before you step into the conversation, do some self-reflection first – in what way have you contributed to this state of disconnect? Be clear on what you want to say and carefully consider how you are going to say it. Importantly, take responsibility for your role in the situation.
It’s vital that you are completely honest and transparent with one another when you have this conversation. If you hide your true feelings, you won’t be able to successfully address the problem. It will take effort, and it might even feel unnatural, depending on how far along the road of emotional disconnect you are. However, it’s vital that you press through and don’t hold back.
After your initial conversation, you have to make an intentional effort to re-connect regularly to make sure you follow through on what you agreed on and are making progress.
Pray regularly together during this whole process and be obedient to what you hear from the Lord.
Questions to think and talk about:
- When last have you felt disconnected and what did you do to resolve it?
- What are the specific things that have caused or are causing you to become disconnected?
- What can you do to avoid becoming disconnected in your relationship?